whateverstuffiwannawrite

Wanna be rich

2009-06-09T23:27:00.000-07:00

Nats is still wondering how to be rich. She likes watching Urban Zone in TFC and everytime she watches that show, she wonders what on earth did these people do to have that kind of life. Definitely, being an employee will not make her rich. She wishes that she will have one bright idea one day and that she can go into business.

Money Smart

2009-04-09T22:15:00.000-07:00

Being in the 30s is so much different from being in the 20s for me. Maybe, I'm just a late bloomer but I'm feeling the need to be smart with money. I wish I realized this earlier in life so that by now, I should have been enjoying the fruit of my labor. I was so stubborn before to even look into long term investment and my excuse was always my uncertainty in the States. Well, it has been almost five years and I'm still here. Five years is definitely long term. So tonight, I have decided that I should start to learn how stocks and mutual funds work. My professors in college would hate me if they found out that I did not really retain in my head what they taught me. I'm embarassed that I'm an MFI (Management of Financial Institutions) graduate and I worked for almost 6 years in HSBC and I did not pay attention to what's going on in the financial market. I guess, it's never too late to learn and refresh myself.

Shopping is the worst investment. No matter how many times I count my shoes, my purses, my jeans, my shirts and any type of clothing I have, I don't think those are even worth 5% of what I spent on those. Huhuhu but shopping is so tempting. My 5 times visit to Vegas in a span of 10 months was again a big loss and of course, I still want to go back to Vegas. The only money smart thing I ever did is to fully pay my car 2 years before the end of its term. Thanks to Matt, I finally did something right. Thanks to him again that I'm trying to meet a monthly savings goal and finally wanting to learn on how to invest it wisely. Let's see.

My next goal maybe is to buy a house or whatever I can afford. Hopefully this is possible in two years time. I hope that would still be a good time to buy. Let's see.

Wow, I'm starting to have plans in life... which means I'm really getting old, yuck!

Are You Happy?

2008-12-07T22:46:00.000-08:00

Whenever I am asked this question, "Are you happy?", It really makes me pause first before I answer but normally I end up saying I'm happy. I am happy and I'm normally a happy person too although when I am sad, I am really sad.

According to my dad, my emotions are extremes, either peaks or valleys and no "in betweens." He is somewhat right about that but I don't know if I have really felt extreme happiness in my life and let's forget about sadness since of course, everybody wants to avoid that kind of feeling.

So again going back to the question, Are you happy?

Yes, I am happy. I am happy that... (definitely not in any order)

I still have a job despite the never ending layoffs going on in the States and everywhere. It might not be the perfect job and I have been really working long hours lately but I'm glad I still have a job that pays me fine for now. With this job, I know my worth and importance in the company and I hope it continues to be that way wherever I am at.
I have my family who love me and I feel that even when I am so far away from them. Actually, I feel that even more here than when I was back home. I long to be with them. I long to see Elisha. I long to be home and just enjoy Mom's cooking and kulitan with siblings and cousins.
I have a boyfriend who may not say the right words but makes me feel important and loved. Life here in the States has certainly become easier with him around. It's not that I am dependent on him or we are dependent to one another but it's just good to know that at the end of the day, there's someone who is there to listen and be with you. Of course, we get into each other's nerves from time to time but we know when to say sorry and we know how to compromise. I hope this relationship continues to be good.
I have friends... I have few here that I can really call friends but I am grateful that they are true friends. This year, I gained some more. I have a lot of friends too at home that I maintain the friendship despite the distance. It's actually funny coz I feel like I'm even closer to some of my friends at home than I have ever been with them back then.
I know myself more and that I learned a lot in my life.... that States has made me realized a lot of things... that it made me a better person at least in my point of view. I learned to see the real world and not the ideal world that a lot of people are still dreaming of and forever wanting that leads them to being unhappy.
I can buy for now the material things that I need and want at times. Call me materialistic but it's true, it gives me happiness be it temporary or not. Anyway, nothing in life is constant, hahaha. Take note I only buy and learn to like the things that I can afford.

I am sure there are other stuff that make me happy but at the end of day, happiness is a state of mind. Each person has different ways and extent to be happy. What satisfies me might not be satisfying enough for someone or what I take no care of might be so important to someone. There is nothing wrong in aiming high but we should still be realistic and not shoot for something impossible. We should find happiness in what we have and work on getting what we still want to have.

Errrrrrrr, I am not happy that I'm turning 31!

Consciously Dreaming

2008-09-03T00:16:00.000-07:00

I found myself surfing the net for condo units within my area and Culver City. Hmmm... how I wish I can afford one and how I wish I know my stability in US. They are nice to look at but dang, I can't afford one even if the real estate market is down right now. Reality check Nats and one at a time, okay?

There's really an advantage for married people since they've got combined income to look at and I guess it's easier to make decisons with someone.

I wish I could be so lucky and win the lottery or the jackpot in a casino.

Realizations at 30

2008-07-06T23:13:00.000-07:00

I've got some new realizations at 30...

I do not know anymore how to bike or I'm too scared to even try it in front of a lot of people. Gosh, it has been so long ever since I got this nervous again and I acted like a child completely.
I think I want to buy a bike and face my fear of falling, hurting myself and other people, and getting scars. I used to know how to bike and I was biking until maybe around 8 or 9 years old.
I never lost a phone and I just lost one... and it was never found. It was ironic though that I lost a phone and it got stolen by someone here in the States when I left my phone one time in Pizza Hut in Makati and I still found it.
Most filipinos who grew up back home are really pampered and sheltered. Sometimes I wish I grew up here so that I know the basic things more.
I do not feel or act 30... and it has its advantages and disadvantages. Errr, I do not know when will it really hit me. Maybe 30 is the new 20!
I've been in the States for 4 years but it feels like it is way longer than that. And wow, I spent half of my years in the States with Matt. It seems like a lot of things happened in my life here too.
I still have a lot of uncertainties in life. I guess, change is the only constant in life anyway.

Artworks

2008-05-20T21:00:00.000-07:00

I still love cross-stitching but it is such a lot of work. It took me quite a while (maybe a little over a year) to finish the floral one. The frames that I used are nice but I could not perfect framing my work of art. Maybe, I should invest in custom framing or I should wait for me to go home and have these framed there.

I've got another small one to finish but I'm still so into the The Chronicles of Narnia book and of course work always keeps me busy.

Oh a little trivia, I won first place in a Beginner's Competition for Cross-Stitchers in my little hometown maybe in 1995. I received P1,500 and my sister won second place. The exhibit was actually organized by my aunt, hahaha but the judges did not know who own the different artworks.

Shopping No More

2008-03-14T00:18:00.000-07:00

My new year's resolution is to minimize or even stop shopping. I think I've been pretty good and the last time I bought something for myself was still in January when everything was on sale. Matt thinks it's funny that I really have to resist myself whenever we go to the mall. I'm telling you it's so tempting every weekend especially since 3rd Street Promenade is just walking distance to Matt's place.

It's depressing that everytime I am in my car and tuning in to NPR, they always talk about the recession and how US might be in this state already but it also helps me fulfill my resolution since they always say that sales of the malls/retails have dropped significantly. That means I am not the only one doing this. It's actually sad everytime I walk to the mall and even around my area to notice that a lot of shops have closed already and are still closing. I also heard that even big stores like Anne Taylor, JC Penny and even Macy's are reducing theirs numbers of stores. Awww, I hope the economy gets better soon but I also hope that would not stop me from my "shopping no more" mindset.

I know most men would not understand this but it seems like women and shopping are inseparable... and this is equivalent to men and basketball or men and game consoles but there is always an exception. With my goals all set, I can definitely achieve this. They say it only takes 21 days to form a habit and I'm way past that and not shopping becomes one of my habits now.

Look at Her Now

2008-02-26T21:56:00.001-08:00

Elisha or "AA" is growing so fast and she's getting prettier everyday too. She's still in her terrible two but will turn three very soon. She talks a lot but she's still "utal" which I think is very cute. I really wish I can see her soon... during this stage of her life. Awww, I'm such a sucker for my niece and nephew.

A Glimpse of My Pre-30 and 30 World

2007-12-27T22:33:00.000-08:00

Overall, it was a good almost holiday, almost 30, Christmas and 30 for me. The blue turned out to be red. These are the reasons why.

I had been looking forward to see Jay and Lele again after four years. We spent last Thursday in Universal Studios and left there when the rain was starting to pour. We had dinner at Ford's Filling Station with Bo, Brooke and Matt. I had the best and softest Kobe beef ever and it was my first time to taste rabbit. Definitely, I would go back here.

I spent the Friday afternoon with Letlet and Jay again. We went to Hollywood, Pinkberry near my place, my place, 3rd Street Promenade and then to my birthday dinner at C & O Trattoria. Thank you so much to my friends, some old coworkers and Matt's group of friends. I know it was hard to get a hold of a lot of people during the holiday season but still they made it.

Saturday was just a lazy day. Matt and I spent the day watching Lost Season 3 while he worked. At night, we had dinner at Valentino and drinks at Arsenal with the Santa Monica crew and their elementary friend and her family. Valentino was just an expensive old people place with nothing special type of food but of course we still had a goood time. My tolerance for alcohol is getting better. :)

Sunday was another lazy day. A continuation of Lost, pizza delivery and left over food day. It was my birthday in the Philippines already so family members did not fail to call me. Although I was a little bit jealous of them being together in celebrating the holiday, I still felt special that they remembered me. It was also a day of responding to friends' email greetings.

Then came Monday, my big 30. My family called me again to greet me on my birthday here. Lucky me, I got two-day-birthday and with Matt, I got a birthday month, lol. Matt gave me the watch that I wanted to buy for myself but I decided not to coz I had a lot of expenses already. Yipee! We also had brunch in Promenade before we headed to my place for him to open my Christmas presents for him. Then, we celebrated Christmas eve with his family. I felt so special that they greeted me on my birthday and also gave me presents. He has a nice family that made me feel the wamth of the season.

On Christmas day, we still had a breakfast with his family. We watched Charlie's Wilson War and ouch there were no restaurants open. We ended up eating movie hotdog and nachos for lunch. I fell asleep during the movie (yikes) and I have been doing this more often lately. We had Coldstone before we headed to his family's Christmas Dinner.

And then Christmas holiday was over... back to work on Wednesday but I was still able to continue my holiday at night time. I decided to go the OC to meet up with Maria, Ronnie and Von since we weren't able to see each other before and during Christmas, and it was Maria's last night in LA too. We ate at Gerry's Grill (still in soft opening). Of course as always, it was a great laugh and great food. Finally, they are part of my 30 world and my 20 something was just part of our memories. We even went to Tea Station after dinner and enjoyed our hot tea and sweet something toast. Gosh, they gave me this little book, 65 Things Not To Do After 30... funny. Good times!

I'm thankful that even when I'm so far away, I still have good people here who make me feel at home. I am also grateful to have my friends for life back home. It's ironic that I even get extra closer to some despite the distance that we have. I like all the presents that I got and a little something, even a simple greeting, really made me happy. I love turning 30 and being 30!

Red Christmas

2007-12-04T22:50:00.000-08:00

Christmas is already in the air but not at work. I don't want to whine about it but I hope it gets better.

I'm kinda feeling blue but I'm trying to make my Christmas RED so I started it by wrapping my presents in red. :) No Christmas tree... no lights... no lanterns... but at least I've got stockings for a change this year. Awww, I miss home. This is the season where my heart feels a little bit empty. My 4th Christmas and 4th birthday here and gosh, I'm turning 30.

My Not So Good Mood

2007-11-20T22:43:00.001-08:00

Hmmmm... my day started with a heavy breakfast. I dreamt of ordering food and before I even started eating it, I woke up. Grrrr... what a weird dream but this is quite normal to me. I don't know why but food is often in my dreams. I woke at early too, around 7am and I just decided to continue eating in my real world. I fried egg and hotdogs, made some toasts and had hot chocolate. Dang, I could not remember the last time I prepared myself this kind of breakfast.

My day was quite fine at work. I actually like my job as long as the finances are not so stressful. I was smiling too the whole day while talking to my coworkers but... I guess the imbalance that my body is feeling is again affecting my mood tonight. Hmmmm... gotta blame it to being a woman. Why do our hormones affect how we feel? It is so unfair! Do you know that in a woman's cycle, there are only around 5 days that are normal. It's even hard to trust what I feel right now and this holiday and cold season make me blue, huhuhuhu. Talking to a good friend who does not feel so great affects my mood as well. I wish life is easier... everybody knows and gets what he wants... people always understand each... and man and woman in a relationship are on the same page... and so on.

Awwww, life indeed gets harder as we grow older.... and I'm still in denial that I'm actually getting old.

Thinking Mode: ON

2007-11-15T23:49:00.000-08:00

Tonight, I was full of ideas. Ideas that could make me rich, hahaha. :) I really think my fruitful life will begin at 30.

I can't share my thoughts here coz for now, they remain private. Hmmmm... I think my creativity is showing up, not in the artistic sense but in the innovative way. :)

This Year

2007-11-08T22:37:00.000-08:00

30 is so near and along with that are the multiple thoughts... what you are, what you have done and what you really plan to accomplish in life. Good thing, my thoughts are positive lately. I feel like there's a lot of opportunities ahead. I hope what I'm feeling is so true.

This year is almost over and days will move even faster after Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow and it was a whole new year. I've got my peaks and valleys this year but I think it was and still is a good year for me. I've learned a lot and I think I can meet my goal this year (I wasn't shooting for the star so it was quite reachable). I hope that next year will be better than this and that my ideas will be put into a positive action. Maybe my fortune cookie was right. :)

I think everything is all in the mind... as long as my heart is happy. :) My sense is getting blurry again which is so MEeeeeeee. Have to say goodnight now coz tomorrow is another busy day.

The Big 30... and almost there

2007-10-22T23:47:00.000-07:00

A lot of my friends that I grew up with and learned stuff with have already reached their 30. In a little over 2 months, I'm hitting my BIG 30.

What really happens when you're like half a life time away from your teens? Well, I think things are so different now as to how our parents were on their 30s. My mom for one had three kids already at age 30 (which means that my dad was so closed to having 5 kids/or having me already at his 30) and I'm quite positive that majority of their batch had their own families at that time. For all of you who do not know, my parents were consistent baby makers for 6 six years of their lives , lol :P. Now in the US, it's like 50-52% of people at their 30s are still single or not married or divorced.

Honestly, it does not really bother me that I'm reaching my big 30. What bothers me at times is that there's still a big part of me that thinks and acts like a child. Sometimes, I wonder if I would still be like this twenty years from now. I know it's not good at times but I also think that that's the secret to looking young. Maybe that's why everytime I have my hair done or my nails done, people still ask me like what school I go to or if I came here to study and even Asians (who normally look young than the other genes) ask me these questions.

I think I have always been a late bloomer. My siblings were all consistent honor students in grade school while I wasn't. My brothers would even refer to me as the "latak" or the "residue" of the family. I started to excel in my studies only in 3rd year highschool but that still didn't stop me from being an introvert/shy young girl at that time. Dang, I dreaded oral recitations, presentations and contests (even Math which was always my fave subject). I was even afraid of boys especially of the boys that I liked and/or who liked me. They always misinterpreted my actions as being a snob. I could even count the number of times I got flowers in highschool. I missed out a lot of good opportunities to shine in school since I backed out on a lot of them. I only started going out on real date when I was at 20 and was working already. I worked for seven years in the Philippines before I came here and started all over again.

Hmmm... I guess when you're nearing 30, you can't help reflecting on what have happened to your life and one thing I realized is that no matter how old you are, there's no such thing as too late. It's all up to you to make the most of what you have and what you want to achieve. Yes, I consider myself a late bloomer but that never stops me from continuing to bloom. I think that that even makes me want to achieve more and learn more in life. I have also learned to know more about myself, my capabilites and to overcome my fears. My family, friends and even old acquitances were actually shocked to see a different and independent me.

Life begins at 30... at 40... or whenever you want it to begin... For as long as you're living, you have the choice to start anew with whatever you want to change in your life. My only hope is that whatever age or stage I am in my life, I would be happy and contented.

I'm nearing my 30... No big plans yet in life... not even close to settling down or having my own family but I'm happy and contented with what I have in life... I'm still discovering more about myself, about my special someone, about the people around me and about the States... and I'm loving it... I think I belong here. :)

I want this...

2007-09-25T00:30:00.000-07:00

I have not invested in any nice jewelry or watches my entire life, maybe I should buy one one for my birthday (BIG 30!!!)/Christmas. Definitely, I can not afford a Rolex so I want this Tag Heuer instead http://www.amazon.com/TAG-Heuer-Womens-Kirium-WL131F-BA0710/dp/B000E48PHW/ref=sr_1_17/105-9042123-1590068?ie=UTF8&s=jewelry&qid=1190705399&sr=1-17. I've got three more months to save, hopefully it's still available at that time and at that price too. Hmmmm... do I deserve it? Let's see... only if I reach my goal savings this year or if I get my GC.

A pledge from family members would be nice. :) Wishful thinking.

Corex's Work of Art

2007-09-17T17:24:00.000-07:00

Proud to be Pinoy

2007-09-10T23:16:00.000-07:00

I was checking online if Netflix carries Filipino movies (which I really doubted) but in stead this is what I saw http://www.filipinomovierentals.com/default.php. I have not watched Filipino movies for a long time but I'm a TFC subscriber. It's funny that I watch this channel more than I did back home though most of my Filipino friends here can relate to me.

Oh yes, I subscribed to this. I can always borrow English movies and TV shows from Matt but I do not have anyone to borrow Filipino movies for free plus the Filipino rental stores are so far from me. Oh well, let's see how fast this is. I only subscribe to 1 DVD at a time at $9.95/month.

Ate, I'm not going to ask you anymore to buy me Filipino DVDs and besides I know that that takes forever too. :)

Sew Pretty Sew Perfect

2007-09-06T21:59:00.000-07:00

Yes, Sew Pretty Sew Perfect... that's what my sewing machine states and this is an actual sewing machine and not something for kids. :) I love the review about it and it's nice to look at too. I haven't tried it and I don't even know how to sew yet.

One weekday last week, I bought some fabrics, threads and other essentials needed for sewing. Last Sunday, Matt and I went to Ikea to buy table, chair and the mini storage for my sewing essentials that could fit into my mini apartment. I built them all on Monday and I actully spent three hours doing that. I have not tested my sewing machine since I'm still reading my SEW U book.

I really wish I'll win my battle to see the artistic side of me. :)

When Boredom Strikes

2007-08-22T19:46:00.000-07:00

I left work at around 11;30am today coz I was feeling sick. My eyes were on fire, my throat did not feel good and my body hurt. Good thing Matt was kind enough to bring me lunch, cough drops, honey for my tea and grape but he didn't stay long coz he was in the middle of work.
We were supposed to watch Stardust tonight but it is better for me to just stay home to feel well.

Huhuhu, I guess I'm not used to staying home on a Wednesday especially when I had plans in mind. So, boredom is really striking now but I do not want to leave the house coz I might feel sick again plus I need to be able to go to work tomorrow. Boredom + PMSing = Thinking of What Makes me Happy = Food and look at what I've found http://www.yummycupcakes.com/yummy.html. Dang, I should really get those cupcakes soon. I wonder why I did not see that whenever I walked on Promenade but I went twice already to Vanilla Bakeshop which was even farther.

My Battle to See the Artistic Side of Me

2007-08-15T00:46:00.000-07:00

Alright, practical arts was not really my fave subject back in highschool but I will still try to learn sewing as a hobby. Actual sewing and not merely cross-stitching that I did and still do from time to time.

Last week, I orderd 2 sewing books in Amazon and they arrived today. Tonight, I went to Target and check out sewing machines but I didn't really find something interesting. Five minutes ago, I placed my order online at http://www.target.com/. Hopefully, it will arrive soon and I will try again for the Nth time to discover the artistic side of me. Ooops...I was not successful with my last try which was the shirt painting. I am convinced that I need lessons for that but this sewing, I will try on my own and of course with the help of some books. Wish me luck peeps! I have to be patient with myself too.

Save more

2007-07-09T22:44:00.000-07:00

I really improved so much this year when it comes to saving but these past two months, I've been shopping again. The great deals too during the summer are really tempting and I can't resist them. Awww, a lot of unexpected expenses too like... medical bills (freaking $600 spent on that), friends coming over and birthdays/other occasions. Hopefully there will be no more unexpected expenses. I should be able to save more. I should really target a bigger amount to save.

I'm actually amazed to talk to my cousin who was quite a spender before but with the help of her husband, is really doing good managing their finances. So, if they can do it, there's no way that I can't be able to.

I've got to push myself again and stop shopping! I can save more. No more Hawaiit trip since friends backed out already and I'm not buying that Iphone too since I don't need it. Maybe, I should stop using my credit card too even if I like the points that I earn. I'm not a revolver so when the bill comes and when I actually pay it, that's when I say OUCH!

My Life

2007-07-02T00:14:00.000-07:00

One day at a time and everything is going to be fine. This is how I have been trying to live my life. I'm leaving all the worries behind and focus on how good each day is. I believe that this is how life should be dealt or else, we can wake up one day feeling so old and realize that we have not enjoyed our life and it is almost over.

More often than not too, the things that we worry about do not even happen or do not exist. There's so much to learn, to live, to give and to be happy in life. :)

Catch Me If You Can

2007-06-24T12:11:00.000-07:00

I just watched this. I was still in the Philippines when this was shown in theaters in 2002. Oh wow, I didn't really know that it was a true story. Of course, after reading what happened to Frank Abagnale Jr at the end of the movie, I looked him up in google. What an interesting movie and interesting man, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Abagnale.

People deserve second chances. People make mistakes but we can always prove our worth to this world as long as we persevere.

My First...

2007-06-23T11:09:00.000-07:00

A list of the first things I've ever done in the States:

Drive
Ask a man out (but of course I felt that there was something there, hehehe)
Buy my own car
Live completely by myself
Buy a game console for myself
Colour my own hair
Follow up on a job after an interview
Ask for a raise (since in the companies that I worked for back home, they give you a review yearly)
Buy a bed
Start a blog
Design a shirt (not good though)
Buy Converse shoes and lots of them (I had one pair when I was little but it was from my Dad)
Say I love you first without expecting to hear it back
Break my patterns
Drive far and go to a Casino by myself (I lost though, hahahaha but it was fun)
Walk to work
Ride the bus constantly to work for one and a half year
Send a balikbayan box
Be an OFW and send remittances
Write first a stranger in friendster but with connection (not a man, ok?)
Touch a dog owned by a stranger (Dogs at home bite big time but here, they're really treated as babies although big/ugly dogs still scare me)
Cook caldereta
Cook an entree for a man
Bring dinner to a man when he's busy working
Seize the day
Cry in a bus
Put a light bulb (just 20 minutes ago, it's funny huh?)
Build/assemble a cabinet (small one only)
Wash my own sheets (Normally I would have these picked up back home or a helper took care of these)
Spend $800 for a one time visit to a dentist (I hate this one!)
Work as a server in a small food place
Work 2 jobs
Sleep on an airbed in the living room for more than 6months
Have a break up over the phone and do not see that guy ever again
Kiss a guy that I'm not really dating
Buy myself an expesive purse (that most women do all the time)
Buy a coffee table
Buy a wine for my own use at home (I haven't drunk actually)
Think of dying
Question the existence of God (or maybe it was always there but people back home don't say these things freely)
Play texas hold'em poker
Create a Friday group at work (way gone)
Write constantly
Love writing even when I'm not good at it
Subscribe to a magazine
Fight for what I feel

To be continued once I think of more.

Lemon

2007-06-23T00:23:00.001-07:00

http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t65358.html

What about calamansi?

Look Around

2007-06-22T23:25:00.000-07:00

Wow! I'm watching The Correspendents in TFC and I feel guilty for even feeling sad for the past few days. They're featuring a mobile teacher who rides the tricycle, rides the jeep for 3 hours and walks so far to the mountain just to teach the Igorots there. Normally she leaves her place at 9:30am, gets to her destination by 9:30pm and teaches her students the following day. She even has her meals cooked and packed good for two days (just one ulam, adobo in a plastic bag). Take note these Igorots are old people who never went to school when they were younger. She is earning $200 for such a hard task and she has been doing this for more than eight years. Oh wow, but it looks like it really gives her happiness and satisfaction to help these people. I always have and will always have big respect for teachers actually.

Sometimes, we really have to look around and appreciate the simple joys in life. I was complaining to myself that I'm alone again on a Friday night,to think that I chose this actually and only to realize that my night is not even enough to do the things I want to do. There's so much to life no matter where we are and no matter how stranger we feel in certain places.

Thank you guys again for reminding me how good and strong I am... that I'm actually doing great despite the storms that came. For making me feel worthy... For making me feel loved... For making me realize to look around... to look at the bright side... to feel great once again... to smile... and just to be me. :)

No Reason to Feel Blue

2007-06-21T21:10:00.000-07:00

Alright, there's no reason for me to feel blue. I woke up so feeling down and even wanted to give up here, quit my job and just go home. I was actually feeling this again since Monday. I need not explain but I guess as my cousin said when someone throws me lemon, make lemonade. I actually want lemon squares cuz. :)

I should focus on the good side of life and the learnings after the storm. I think it is also good to accept being weak at times (who doesn't anyway?) but you have to be able to get out of it. I felt weak that I even called him coz he knew what was going on , why I was feeling sad this week and true enough, he gave me a good advice and yes, he's right, I know myself better than what other people think. I'm not in grade school anymore who would listen to what people say about me just to put me down. When I checked my e-mail, Ate Eileen and Denise sent me mails and they really care about me. Gosh, my sister, finding time to write a long e-mail means a lot coz she's really a busy lady. I also had a good lunch with other four coworkers and nice to hear new stories. My day was busy at work and I feel positive about this new company that I'm managing the finances. Also, Ronnie said we're going to Hawaii by the end of August to early September. I'm excited now. Another coworker gave me a good travel tips and ways to try new things. I'm actually thinking of spending Christmas in Key West, Florida with or without someone and just have fun and celebrate my big 30 there. :) And awww my cuz Joy really loves me, look at what she wrote: http://idioxinecrasies.com/cheer-up-219.html#more-219 .

I know myself... I love myself... and there are a lot of good reasons to live... I'm almost there to what I want and need... and things will be a lot easier... I will see my family soon... I will have more options... I win some, I lose some and there's always time to win and learn from my losses. I remember the book, Dare to Fail ... and yes, we shouldn't be afraid to fail coz everytime we do, we're closer to success.

Sorry Friends...

2007-06-20T23:34:00.000-07:00

I'm sorry my dear friends if I have not replied to your e-mails lately. I'm a little bit in the low side and I might not have better things to say. Thank you so much though for all the care and your e-mails/messages are very much appreciated.

My mind, heart and spirit are too tired to comprehend. I can not understand why when I'm making a progress, other unexpected events pull me down.

Ayoko Na!

2007-06-19T22:04:00.000-07:00

Pagod na ko. Ayoko na!!!!!!

Getting There

2007-06-17T00:51:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting there... to being a happy person and to loving myself more. There's only one person who truly knows me and that's ME. That's one thing I totally discovered here in the States.

My friend sent me this...

2007-06-17T00:39:00.001-07:00

A friend sent me this. She got this from Philippine Star and it's kinda true. She knows we understand and agree to this...

Alone and aliveNEW BEGINNINGS By Büm D. Tenorio, Jr. Sunday, June 10, 2007

Gone are the days when single people hurry up to take the plunge and splash the world with their new status: married. Many young people now enjoy their youth. They enjoy it a lot that even if they reach their 30s, they seem to be unmindful of the ticking of the marital clock. (Wait till you meet ladies who are way past their 30s and yet not bothered by their ticking biological time clock.) Not everyone is in a rush to sprint past the finish line of being unattached, to some extent being uncommitted. Single-blessedness rules. In many cases, it's more of a rule rather than an exemption.
Not that there's a scarcity of compatible couples. Compatibility figures in as much as the relationship is concerned but to bring it to the level of exchanging "I do's" is all together another ball game. And in this ball game, the sweethearts are not only the players but also the referees of their own desires. So, even if they are of ripe age to get married, they just dribble around and delay the game before it leads them to the altar.
But love is not a game. Really, no one says it so. But getting married, for many, is not the answer. Not yet. Especially for those who want to remain single and enjoy its many blessings.
Such selfishness, you say. But it's a choice, we, members of the single society, say.
Economics figures in. When you're in love, you think in numbers, too. Because to raise a family entails financial obligations, many single people - of course those who are into amorous relationships - think twice before they take the bait of sharing one life, one love together. I may be single but I am not alien to the fact that many marriages collapse because of empty pocket and growling stomach. This is a sad reality considering that it is in the vows that "for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse" couple must stick together. But love alone will not suffice. There should be at least food on the table. So, the many single people now who feel they are not yet ready for the altar date do not push the issue. They work and save and spend. The cycle continues. The wedding bells can wait. If ever they will ring at all.
The yearning for a prolonged freedom and independence also contributes why many remain single. These people enjoy being unattached to the max. Psychiatrists call them simply as not the marrying type.
* * *
Many times I have been asked whether I am married or not. The 35-year-old in me always has this reply: "I am very much single but happily engaged... to myself."
This repartee surely elicits laughter from me and the people who ask me. My laughter, however, fades with this follow up question: "Hindi ka ba natatakot na tatanda kang mag-isa (Are you not afraid that you will grow old alone)?"
No. And that's what I always answer. Not because it is convenient for me to say "No" but because I sincerely believe in my conviction that I am not afraid to be alone.
It's not lonely to be alone.
What's with the word "alone" that makes people's mind meander to a world mantled by dark and dreary mood? Why does being alone always have to be equated with isolation, solitary confinement, feelings that are akin to being despondent and disconsolate?
I repeat, risking myself to sound like a broken record, it's not lonely to be alone.
People who say it's lonely to be alone surely have not yet experienced how to be fully happy. They have, perhaps, never realized yet that being single does not necessarily mean being empty. It is having a relationship with the self. Because you are well attuned to yourself, you know your needs. Those who do not have a healthy relationship with the self will always find the faults of the world instead of appreciating its many charms.
To be alone means to tread the path to self-realization, to nurture the road to enlightenment, to traverse the discovery of self-actualization. It is perhaps because of these that the word single-blessedness came into existence.
To be single and alone also means to be alive. It does not connote that the highway to the happily-ever-after is a far-fetched idea. The concept of "he" or "she," as oppose to "they," live(s) happily ever after is a congruent realization for someone whose fairy tale land is not peopled by any character but himself or herself only. Loving yourself to wholeness can be achieved even if you're alone. Lest you forget, you owe it to yourself to create your own happiness.
Single and alone? Fret not. Feel free to love yourself.

I am Turning Two...

2007-06-12T23:13:00.000-07:00

I am turning two years old in Lotus tomorrow and I'm not sure what to feel. There were still a lot of people when I started there, a lot of Indians and engineers but now, people are leaving left and right. Too bad that they're mostly my friends/hang out buddies. I can't help not to feel sad to see this company go like this. I should have listened to my friends when they told me to detach myself from coworkers and treat work as work so that I won't feel affected when people leave and when things go wrong. But what can I do, my work eventually becomes my life and it still is now. What do you expect when you spend even more than 40 hours of your week with these people? It's hard not to build personal connections with them especially for a person like me who got here almost three years ago all by myself.

Oh well, too bad for me coz I also fell for a coworker who left the company last week. What's funny is that he has been complaining about the company even before we started dating and yet he said goodbye to me or "us" first before he could say goodbye to Lotus. Maybe I shouldn't compare myself to Lotus because money is so much different with love. I shouldn't complain too coz as my friend said, when things were going great and you were happy, working together was an advantage coz you got to spend more time together and to see each other even when work was hectic.

Looking back, things have changed a lot as how I started but definitely, I have learned a lot in my line of work, I have gained the respect and trust that I need at work and I also learned some in another aspect of my life. I just hope that things get better and eventually these new businesses will prosper. People may come and go but there are some who will never be forgotten and who will leave a mark in our lives. Oh, one thing similar about my current situation and two years ago is that I'm mending a broken heart... and just like the last time, it will eventually heal at the right time. :)

Another Night that I Chose to Write Instead of Sleep

2007-06-08T00:32:00.000-07:00

I didn't really think I'm that lazy when it comes to cleaning my personal e-mail inbox/outbox but it serves its purpose. I looked back at the letters that I sent to my friends and special people, and I realized that I'm in so much better position now than I was two years ago. I also read a letter that I guess when I was writing really hurt so much but now, it doesn't feel anything at all. I guess time heals all wounds and it's not always going to be a not so good situation. There's always sunshine after the rain. Just like the weather, there's winter, spring, summer or fall and you have to wear the right clothes for each season to feel better and comfortable.

No matter how tough my situation is, I'll get by. No matter how it hurts at times , at least I will have no regrets coz I always try to give my best in love. I know myself and I guess I was able to love a person much coz I had so much love inside of me to give. All I have to do now is focus on myself and love me.

One shouldn't under estimate the capability of the heart. It knows when to love, when to give up, when to heal and when to start anew.

Definitely Not an Artist

2007-06-02T23:51:00.000-07:00

Artists express their moods through their work of art and sometimes they can even create a masterpiece when they are sad or even mad. I'm definitely not an artist so this is what happened when I tried to play with brushes, paints and shirt. It's my abstract, hahaha. I kinda felt better after doing this.

My interpretation: A kinda messed up colourful life. The good thing is I've still got the colours.

I Heart Me

2007-06-02T00:24:00.000-07:00

I think I got my smile back. This is me, fresh from washing my face. :) I'm beginning to love myself again...

Maybe I'm an Addict...

2007-06-01T22:58:00.001-07:00

Alright, most people love to drink, smoke and party but I love CONVERSE. Maybe I'm an addict but shopping is a good therapy plus I got this pair for only $29.99 from $50.00. Shoot me guys! I'm bad.

Oh by the way, eating used to be my other addiction but not anymore. I'm back to being a size 2, yipee!!!

The Holiday

2007-05-31T23:44:00.000-07:00

Wow, I don't know if it was just the right time but I actually enjoyed watching The Holiday. It made me laugh, smile and of course, it made me cry too (which was quite expected). I thought about seeing this in theater but I was not really a fan of anyone so I did not push for it. Oh well, I like all the main casts and even the other casts in the movie. Jude Law was such a charmer in this movie and the way he looked and stared would melt any woman's heart. Awww, I did not really like him before but I guess I do now. I was actually surprised too that I was fond of watching Jack Black and Kate Winslet (those two were the reason why I didn't see this in the theater actually) but they proved me wrong. Cameron Diaz, she never fails me in all her movies. It's so fun watching her on whatever role she portrays. I must say she's my fave actress now. I love the two kids, Sophia and Olivia. I also like the old man, Arthur.

I've got a lot of thinking, realization and imagination in between while watching this. I realized too that we will all be old in some point in our lives, we would all go back to being simple, and being appreciated and a smallest show of care mean a lot. I actually want to talk and be a friend to old people after watching this. There's a lot of wisdom to get from them and I think it will make me appreciate life more. Come to think of it, that was how I felt when I checked out YMCA two weeks ago and had a short talk with an old guy who has been working out there for over 35 years. I really want to explore my community and meet and befriend all sorts of people.

The movie just really covered the holiday season but there's a lot of lessons in life that you will realize. I love it. I recommed you guys to watch it. I figured I should go alone somewhere far this holiday and be a complete stranger there. It must be a nice adventure to get to know more of myself too than just being an adopted member to a friend's family.

Work, Work and Work

2007-05-30T22:34:00.000-07:00

Work, work and work... that's what I do and still plan to do. Focus on my career and keep learning. :)

Coldstone

2007-05-29T22:49:00.000-07:00

Wow, I'm craving for Coldstone but too bad, it's no longer open at this time. Maybe, that's even better coz I don't think ice cream is good for me at this time of the night.

Oh well, this is just another weird and funny thought... relating cold stone sizes to relationship. Maybe relationship has these 3 stages: Like it, Love it and Gotta Have it. I need not explain this coz I'm too tired to write but you guys should figure it out :) I will be someone's Gotta Have It at the right time!

Head to Head

2007-05-28T10:34:00.001-07:00

Just like in texas hold'em poker, at head to head, I lost. My chips were much taller than my opponent's but I couldn't bluff and at the end, all the bad hands got me. The bet was kinda high. I wanted to take my fortune back but I could not manage having a straight face.

Up and Down

2007-05-22T22:40:00.001-07:00

Sometimes I feel up already and other times, I feel down again. Work is not helping me these past few days. It's hard to move on with my tasks... I get emotional when my superior raises his voice.. and the AC being broken for more than a week now is killing me. So freaking hot and it's affecting my mood. I easily get irritated. Just when I thought I was making a good progress already, situations still put me down.

I don't know also what I want. I really need to regain my trust in myself. I'm wounded and I feel like I'm scared to get more wounds. I feel like I should just be happy being single. Talking to another man and him telling that 80% of the men are bad, dang, how would I know if I could still get a man from the 20% the next time I fall again. It's kinda tiring already. Maybe, relationship is not for me. There were a lot of good times but the feeling that you're not only losing the relationship but also a good friend is such a shitty one. Why does thing have to be complicated? Why can't I just be happy, stay happy, seize the day and not think of possible problems?

I'm sorry if my posts lately are mixtures of good and bad. I'm afraid it might be like this for a while until I get used to this state again. Again I'm just being human.

Lost Dog

2007-05-20T19:27:00.000-07:00

I took a 40-minute brisk walking around my area. When I was going home, I saw the sign "Lost Dog." The type of dog, the color, the size and all important descriptions were on the sign. The first thing I thought of after reading that was if I get lost, would somebody look for me like that when nobody really owns me? Second thought that came to my mind was that how come when your dog gets lost, you can look, find and get him back but when your ex-boyfriend gets lost, you can't just find him and get him back? Funny thoughts but they are true.

My Meantime Goals

2007-05-20T11:25:00.001-07:00

People think of goals in their lives and plan so far ahead but right now, my meantime goals are to be able to go home next year, be with family and friends that I miss so much and explore the Philippines, Thailand and maybe Hongkong again or Singapore. I hope I can reach these. These are all dependent on me getting my long much awaited green card.

Blog, Blog, Blog

2007-05-18T00:02:00.000-07:00

Writing is a relief for me and blogging is even better. I looked back on my archives and I feel great. It was also at this time last year that I started this blog. Despite the challenges I experienced and are still experiencing, I can definitely say that I have learned a lot and enjoyed so much too. My entries are mixtures of all my different emotions and thoughts.

I think I am beginning to love myself more and as I've said before, I can only be hurt but never be broken. There's always time to shine, to laugh, to love, to learn, to cry, to mourn, to sob, to feel or just to be human. :) Afterall, this is the beauty of life!

Short Hair

2007-05-17T22:49:00.001-07:00

I can't remember the last time I had short hair but I guess it's time for that now. Just in time for summer... just in time to face life's new challenges... or just because.

It Ain't Easy as You Guys Back Home Think

2007-05-16T22:55:00.000-07:00

This one I want to dedicate to the Filipinos back home who think that living in the States and being financially well off is so easy. Look at this site http://www.prosper.com and see how people can get creative in lending and borrowing money.

I think most OFWs here are be able to send out money to the Philippines because they live with their relatives and not having to pay rent is really such a big help and what you save for doing that is a big money back home. Oh well, I like my independence. Even if I had a relative here, I would rather do things on my own. It may get lonely at times but I think it's so worth it.

One Fine Night

2007-05-16T20:32:00.000-07:00

I think I'm getting better. I'm actually amazed on how mature I'm taking this tonight. I realized that I don't want to dwell on how sad this is but focus on the new beginning out there again.

He is still a nice guy and I don't ever want to remember us parting or him as something so sad and bad. So, we had a good dinner and talked about happy and exciting stuff. It was actually a good time. I know it sounds weird but it's true. Like I've said we never really had big fights and didn't really have complaints about each other so I don't think we should end it up hating each other like how couples normally do it. We both need to grow and explore the world since we both do not want to think of or are ready of our future together. After all, everything is just a matter of getting used to and knowing more not only about yourself but also what's around you.

I think I'm fine now. I actually understand what he's going through and I don't want to be the selfish person who only thinks of the hurt, what I think I want or will make me happy right now. People might think my views right now are weird but I like them. :)

I should focus more on regaining my confidence back, knowing and loving myself.

Another Day

2007-05-13T13:15:00.000-07:00

I’m still feeling lost. Questions keep running around in circles. I want to assess what is happening to my life and yet, I can’t comprehend it right now. My emotions are ruling me. I can not help not to feel hurt, unworthy and unloved.

I know in times like this, I should try to love myself more. Acknowledge my mistakes but realize the lessons I have learned and be prepared to whatever future is awaiting for me.

It’s hard to let go of someone you love. I’ve been there and done that but when you fall again, the hurts of past loves keep coming back in addition to the recent love that you have to let go. I wonder what is wrong with me. I wonder why it doesn’t work out for me. I envy the people around me who are blessed with so much love, contentment and happiness in life.

I know if I could stop the time, I would feel better. Most of my age have a family or starting a family but here I am, back to square one and nearing the big 30. It hurts and it sucks but this is the reality.

I’ve said to myself already after my very first break up that the next time I enter a relationship, I should consider the risk of losing it and getting hurt again and not think about the rest of our lives together. Oh well, thinking about it and actually experiencing it are really different. I’m human and I have emotions. I value the person so much too and I made him enter my life so I guess, it is really going to hurt.

Friends and family may be there to help me get through this but everything else is dependent on me. I should just treasure the good times and move on with my life. Find my happiness to what I have right now and strive to get the things that I want to have in the future. It’s not easy but I know I’ll get there.

YOU CAN DO IT NATHALIE. YOU WERE ABLE TO GET THROUGH THIS BEFORE SO WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE NOW. YOU WIN SOME AND YOU LOSE SOME AND THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE TO WIN AGAIN. IN DUE TIME, SOMEONE WILL COME AGAIN, WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND WILL STAY FOR GOOD.

Converse I Love

2007-05-06T18:20:00.000-07:00

One thing that I greatly appreciate in the States is that I can go to work with jeans and sneakers any day of the week. I love shoes... I love sneakers... and I love CONVERSE the most. I know I don't need a lot of those but I can't help myself at times especially when I see great deals.

Oh Life

2007-04-19T00:16:00.000-07:00

Life gets complicated as you get older. When you were a kid, everything seemed to be so simple and easy but as you grow up, you learn that it takes a lot of courage and work to achieve something. You learn that life is not fair. You wonder why you can not have the one thing you ever dream of. You realize that you can only do so much and the outcome is not all dependent on you. You get scared of the future and all negative possibilities. You think that accepting failures is a weakness. You also realize that the only person you can fully trust is yourself.

Love this pic :P

2007-04-16T22:41:00.000-07:00

Nice place, nice guy and nice monkey.

Life Thoughts

2007-03-15T22:49:00.000-07:00

I am not sure whether to post this here or not but I guess, since I am here in front of my laptop thinking and writing then I might as well keep going. I hated anything that had to do with writing in highschool and I still do not think that I am good at this but somehow, this helps me feel better. This is my method of talking and knowing more of myself too.

Anyway, I wrote this last week after hearing that my good friend broke up with her boyfriend. Here it goes and it is saved as "thoughts 030607" in my docs. BEWARE, this might bore you. :)

I’ve been hurt so many times in my life and once in a while, they still haunt me either in my dreams or just when I’m having my reality check. It’s really lonely being away from my family and the friends that I gained back home. From time to time, I still feel the emptiness and I wonder about the moments and important events that I miss out simply by staying here. I guess I was not really prepared for the life here especially when I came here not primarily for myself but for someone else.

Things are still tough but I am surviving and I am actually doing fine. However, it is not easy to trust people especially if the ones you thought you trusted the most betrayed you. Empty promises, strong words that did not mean anything at all and life’s uncertainties are clearly stored in my mind. I am not sure if there would still be a time that these could be replaced by faith and belief that important things could last for a lifetime.

Most of the people around me and the friends dearest to me are either engaged, married or starting a family. I am happy for them but sometimes, I wonder if I am still the marrying type or if there was a point in my life that I really became one. The men that I was with cheated on me or either left me when I was in the lowest point of my life. I guess that is the reason why I can not help myself for feeling this way now. During those times that I was with any one of them, they would tell me how much they loved me and wanted to marry me but again, those were just words.

Right now, I am with a special someone. He is not like the typical guy that I was with. He is not into words but I can see through his actions that he cares although he tends to deny having emotions or just merely hiding them because he is a man. I know he is not ready for marriage. I am not even sure if we would go there. I am not sure if I am ready for that too but somehow, I am envious with the people who are married or who are engaged and feel that they are so special. I know if I was still in my early 20s, I would not feel this way. Sometimes, I feel that it is so unfair that women have to think of their biological clock. How I wish I could stay young for the rest of my life. If you think about it, what really is marriage? With the rate of divorce now especially here in the States, is that still important? How sure are you that it will work out when you get married? Are married people always happy? When do you actually know if you are ready for that? When do you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Do you stay in the relationship or even go to the next step coz you are scared to lose the person? Or just scared to grow old alone? Or scared that you might not find another person? Or scared to start all over again coz you are not getting any younger? Does a person’s view of marriage change over time? Or does it change with another person? Or does it change with a different situation? When is really the best time? Can someone actually change a person’s view? And if someone can, then how does he do that? Gosh, I can go on and on with my questions and I will still have no answers.

Honestly, I am quite satisfied and happy with what I have right now. He might not say the right words but he surely makes me happy and special in his own way. It is not the typical relationship that you see in movies, read in books or hear from friends but it is quite a simple and easy one. I have learned not to expect so much in life already and I know that things can go wrong and that I can only hope for the best. I try to look at the good side, be the best partner that I can ever be, cherish the moments and seize the day. I feel like when you think of the future so much then, you see the “what ifs” and the possible problems. You tend to look at things as problems even if they do not exist at all. You anticipate so much or expect so much that makes you or he fall short. Life is complicated itself so why not at least try to make it simpler. After all, whenever you stumble, you stand up and regain your strength again.

The great things I learned in life are to know, trust and love myself. I feel that I can only give more to others by doing these. No one can ever complete me coz I should be complete all the time so in case somebody leaves me again, I will only feel hurt but never be broken.

Pinkberry Night

2007-03-12T23:26:00.000-07:00

Alright, I went to Pinkberry again tonight but this time with Matt. We walked from my apartment going there. There was quite a line but omg, 5mins after we ordered, the line was until the outside of the store. Amazing! I'm pretty sure that the Korean woman who founded this is so rich now. If you think about it, it is not really hard to make. It tastes like yogurt but a little sweeter in a soft ice cream texture and bite. It kinda tastes like sherbet too but the mixtures of fruits, sweet toppings like mochi and ice creamy feeling make it perfect!

Gosh, if only I could think of something great that's a sure buy then I would be rich too.

The name is so natsy too....

Pinkberry

2007-03-11T23:11:00.000-07:00

I love Pinkberry. I saw a postcard in my mailbox last Monday night and came Tuesday, I was there with my coworkers. That was the first time I had it. I also went there last Friday with my coworkers again.

Gosh, a new dessert to die for and it is walking distance from my apartment. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, you decide? hahaha. Dang, they said the yogurt is 25 calories but what about the three toppings that I normally get. Hmmmm.... whatever as long as it makes me happy. :)

When "C" = "S" = "M"

2007-03-04T21:51:00.000-08:00

Is there a right time for settling down? Is there a right age? When do you know when to settle down? When do you know if he/she is the right one for you? When are you ready for this? Is there really a right one for you? Why do men have the control on this matter? Why do women have to worry about biological clock? Why most good women marry the last? Why for some people this happen so fast? What is the risk of settling down so fast? Why for some, it does not happen at all? Is it a choice? Is it a must? If a guy is not ready to settle down, does that mean he does not really love you? If he is not ready to settle down yet, do you hold on or do you leave the relationship? Why men think settling down and having kids are the end of their lives? And why women think that life is not complete without settling down and having kids? Does marriage still guarantee a life time commitment in most people? How do you make it work? Why do your views about settling down change? How come your views about marrige were so different and simpler when you were younger? Why men are scared of this? Why men think of this a big responsibility? Why do men use this as an excuse to make women fall for them? Why do men use the same excuse but in a different perspective to break a relationship? Are women stronger than men since they are not afraid to enter another stage of their lives? Is there really a marrying type? Is this something that you should look forward in a relationship? Is this the ultimate happiness for women? Why is this a bigger thing for women than for men?

Bangs

2007-01-21T22:13:00.000-08:00

For the last six months, I had been wanting to have bangs but whenever I had a haircut, I ended up just having my regular layer cut.

I am not really adventurous when it comes to my hair and I feel like if I made a mistake, I would not be good managing it coz I am lazy and do not spend a lot of time fixing myself. The last time I had bangs or I should say stopped having bangs was 2nd year higschool and of course, I don't think it looked good at that time.

Oh well, today, I had the courage to put bangs or maybe the closest to having bangs, hahahaha. I thought I needed a change but... it was still a small one only.

Nintendo Wii

2007-01-11T22:30:00.000-08:00

Gosh, why is this Nintendo Wii sold out? I have been looking for it, surfing the net and calling different stores of Bestbuy, EBGames, Circuit City and Target daily but I still don't get any luck.

This is supposed to be my birthday present for Milkboy, huhuhu. I hope equilibrium sets in sooner or else, he will get a Bestbuy giftcard on his bday while we wait for the return of the Wii. I know he wouldn't want me to spend more and buy it in Ebay. Besides, he just got his XBOX 360 last week (I wish he could have waited for that on his bday) so he is still spending a lot of his time and even sacrificing sleep time playing that.

Haaaay, when will I say WEEEEE for Wii? I hope it's before the 24th of the month.

So Pretty Elisha

2007-01-09T22:56:00.000-08:00

I opened my e-mail as soon as I got up from bed and finally Kuya Rico shared with me their holiday pics.

Gosh, she's so adorable! I think this is the fifth time today that I looked at the album. I hope I can see her, hold her and just be with her while she is little. I am so longing for that moment since when I left the Philippines, I did not even know that she was already in Ate Jud's womb.

My cousins said she's my "mini me" but I think they're wrong coz I don't think I was as cute as her when I was this age. Oh well, how will I know when I think I only have three baby pictures to validate that, hehehe. One thing's for sure, she will be a beautiful lady!

Come visit me Elisha and we will got to Disneyland. I will buy whatever toys you choose too but in one condition, you have to do that with me. Hahahaha... as if she could even read and understand this.

2006 is worth remembering...

2007-01-03T22:33:00.000-08:00

Halloween Party in Pasadena and LA. Rented a limo too.

Santa Barbara

San Francisco

Mixed events with friends... Birthdays, Going away dinner, Poker night and just hanging out.

Biggest Dessert ever at Guppy!

Mixed events again... New York with Kuya Joma, Flow Party, Birthday Party, Firing, Despedida, and Whites and Browns Night.

Laguna Beach

Started the year in Vegas.

Birthday 06

2007-01-02T23:03:00.000-08:00

It's better late posting this than never.

Matt and Kelly organized a birthday dinner for me last December 22 at Buca di Beppo at Santa Monica. Although Matt and I got into a car accident going there, it was still a great party.

Co-workers and some good friends came despite the busy Christmas season. I got drunk of course with one glass of wine and a shot of something else (too drunk to remember that, hehehe). I got a little crazy and funny. Good thing I was not driving at that time.

Thanks guys!

Happy Birthday to me and my car. My car got some action there but it is a strong baby! :)

Counting Days

2006-12-14T19:22:00.000-08:00

I feel like a kid again counting my days before my vacation (6 more working days)... my days before my bday (10 more days)... days before Xmas (11 more days)... and a new year (18 more days). The only difference is that when I was a kid, I was happy but now, I don't really know how I feel.

Part of me wants these events to finish and start a good year. Part of me is scared that I am getting old again and have still not accomplished much. A greater part of me misses home and feels the loneliness that this holiday season brings in.

Maybe, it's the time of the month... maybe it's being away from home... maybe, it's just me... maybe it's the pressure at work... maybe baby...

I know I have to be thankful for the friends I gained here and for having a special someone right now but I can't help what I'm feeling too.

Alright gotta go and stop dwelling on this part, Matt is making tacos and dessert and I need to drive to his place now. I know when I get there, my mood will be different. Haay, it's nice to have a baby damulag (his new pet name) :)

Time Warner Cable Sucks!!!

2006-12-11T20:58:00.000-08:00

Damn, Time Warner Cable sucks big time! I can't believe that they are now a monopoly and they can not even make things right when they have all the opportunities to make money. I miss Adelphia Cable.

Here is the list of my complaints:

They made the services more expensive (sounds like a real monopoly here)
They offer services not even available in your location
They do not record phone conversations (I called 5 times and nothing was recorded but I jotted them down after learning the first time that they did not do it.)
Their waiting period for calls takes forever...
...and when it says your waiting time is approximately 30 minutes, that means an hour or so.
They can not make your bill right
They give you misinformation
You can not tell if the-supposed-to-be-customer-service-representative is saying the right thing or not about their services and fees coz one says different things as to the other and the other and the other and the other...
They charge you for services that you have already cancelled
All their commercials and ads are freaking false
They give you notice after notice after notice since they keep on changing instructions and dates for migrating Adelphia and Comcast to Time Warner
Road Runner internet is definitely slow and you can see the difference
Your cable internet connection gets down every now and then (Oh and I just noticed that my YM got disconnected while I was writing this!)
Definitely the worst service ever in my freaking entire life
I hate to talk and complain to their NON-customer service reps but I always have to
I don't have a choice but to stay with them and you know the reason why

Patience is definitely not a virtue for this sucker! I think they should be called the Time and Money Sucker!

Bday and Xmas Wishlist

2006-12-08T09:18:00.000-08:00

Wow, I didn't really expect that any of these will come true! The ones with Yes are what I got so far, as of 20Dec06.

Alright, I'm aiming for the impossible here. Who will ever give me these things when the ones who know this site are mostly in the Philippines? I wish my fam is here so that I can have bday and Xmas presents, huhuhuhu. Poor little me. Anyway, here is the list (wishful thinking):

Brown Converse Chuck Taylor (the slip on is fine too) -size 8 Women Yes. Thanks Rick.
Moschino I love love Yes. Thanks Abby.
Black Converse Chuck Taylor (Damn I love this brand so much) - size 8 Women
Vans slip on - Red with prints (I love shoes) size 8 Women
Flat black round shoes like ballet shoes- Aldo is fine (I so love shoes but I don't know how this kind is called but I know people like me will know how this one looks) - If Aldo, size 9 and other brands, size 8.5
Gap thermal shirt (black, white, light blue or any other color but not yellow and brown coz I have those) size Small
Light Exercise mat (I wish this will serve its purpose)
D&G Light Blue
Ipod
Nice Wood Jewelry Box (No ballerina please) Yes. Thanks Kelly.
DVD player
Laptop Yes. THANKS MATT!
Jewelry
Sleepwear
Bath robe Yes. Thanks Kelly.
Target Gift Card Yes. Thanks Abby.
Gap Gift Card
Ralphs Gift Card
Best Buy Gift Card
Scented Candles
Massage Stuff
Watch (with white strap)
Hair bands (the ones that are in please)

I'm not going to continue coz I might be just wasting my time thinking of these stuff... Huhuhu... but a nice card from people far away will be very much appreciated.

Merry Christmas to all! Merry Christmas and Happy Birthday to me.

Thanks to everyone who remembered my bday, who sent me his Merry Xmas greetings and for all the gifts that I got. Thanks to totoy and to his fam for welcoming me to their Christmas celebration. I really had a great time.

Holiday Blues

2006-11-21T20:01:00.000-08:00

This Thursday is Thanksgiving and most people here are going to be with their family. It's a big thing here while back home, this does not exist.

Christmas is already in the air. Oh my, time is running so fast again but I don't know why during this time, I start feeling the homesick blues. I miss my family. I envy Kuya Joma for going home to the Philippines and he will be staying there for a month. It's going to be my third Christmas here but I'm still not used to it.

PDA is playing on TV and the scholars are singing their own composition of Christmas songs. I just heard one sing "Iba talaga ang Pasko sa Pinas!" Huhuhu, that is so true.

Well, well, well, I just wish that this Christmas and my birthday will be better than the previous ones since it is the first time if ever that I have a special someone here. Come to think of it, it has been four years since I last have someone exactly on Christmas day. Sana huwag na to maudlot, :)

Huhuhu... this is Matt copying my "Huhuhu" look with Ferrero Rocher in his mouth. He's funny and he's wearing my fave color.

Halloween 2006

2006-11-05T18:21:00.000-08:00

It was my first ever Halloween party here and in my entire life. Matt and I went to Pasadena to meet up his friends. We rode a limo, together with his friends, to go to one party in Pasadena and one party in LA.

It was a fun adventure. His grade shool friends and their girlfriends are nice and totally cool. The limo ride was great! It was so nice to see most people expressing themselves in costumes. They served jelly shots and of course, I was forced to try in both parties. I love jello but not the shot please.

I was a heavenly devil. People asked me why and my only answer was that I used to be a pure angel but ever since I started dating Matt, I became half and half, hahaha. :P

Nintendo DS

2006-10-31T01:14:00.000-08:00

I work for Lotus Interworks and part of our business is creating games for our
Publishers. So, normally my coworkers, especially the programmers like Matt are actually gamers. They talk about techi stuff and the latest in the game world. I guess, that was one of the reasons why I got my nephew PSP as a Christmas present last year.

Oh well, working at Lotus for more than a year did not really entice me to get any of these techi game stuff for myself until Matt keeps on playing his DS in front of me. Oh yeah, he plays it even when he watches DVD with me. Talk about multi-tasking... hmmmm... that is not really what I want him to do. I am all for just DVD or just game coz I can't watch two things at the same time and of course, we can't play it together. I play his DS too once in a while particularly the Super Mario game but whenever I do that, he is either at work or just beside me watching how I play. Of course, when he watches me and I get stuck in one stage, I easily give up and just pass the DS to him for him to play it while I watch. So, we can't really do it together. After seeing this happening over and over again, I finally came into a conclusion that I want my own DS. Damn, he was very supportive when I said that. Tonight, he just picked me up from my apartment after our dinner with Rick and Kelly and said that we're headed to Bestbuy to buy the DS and that he will get me one game if I really buy it. Oh wow, what a great deal! So finally, I got my DS.

It is actually fun and very addictive. Wonder why I am still up? Of course, it is because I just stopped playing it. Matt and I even played against each other using both our DS. Of course he won but it was really cool! So cool that we can even send each other messages and drawings. Fun, fun , fun! So, we do not only have 24 to watch together but our Nintento DS to play with. I must say he is the only person who had influenced me to buy my own gaming gadget. I got my new toy and I love it. Sorry EJ but this one is for Tita Nats. :)

After 11 years... It Hit Manila!

2006-10-10T16:24:00.000-07:00

Damn, the typhoon Milenyo hit Philippines so bad. Until now, my mom can not call me using a budget card since her home phone line is still no working. It has been two weeks after the big typhoon!

My dad had to ask for all the trees in my brother's backyard to be cut and taken off. What a disaster!

The last time before this one, Manila was hit by a signal number 3 typhoon was at year 1995. I remember, I got stranded in La Salle and spent the night there with some blockmates though my dorm was just a mile away from school. I think classes were suspended for two to three days after that.

(This post was made out of boredom...I went home early today coz I'm feeling sick and now I'm bored... This is the time that I wish I have a family to go home to, huhuhu :( )

24

2006-10-09T00:36:00.000-07:00

I know this is so late but I just started watching 24. Matt and I finished the first season around 9:30pm tonight. We started it yesterday morning and we couldn't resist not to finish it so we stayed the whole Sunday in my apartment to watch it.

I can't say that it's really good but I so want to see all the seasons available. I'm not really a Jack Bauer fan (he kinda reminds me of Charlie from Lost, kainis!) or any other fan since there are times that I can't believe how stupid they can be. Oh well but it's really worth watching. Now, I understand why my brother and some friends are so in to this.

Too bad, Matt left the second season copy to burn in his apartment so we couldn't watch it tonight plus we both had to do some work.

I know there are a lot of 24 lovers out there so please don't hate me for this. Like I've said, I still want to watch it and I can't wait to see the second season. I even made Matt to promise me that he won't start it without me, hehehe. Of course, I don't want him to get ahead of me. :)

One Fine Weekend

2006-10-02T22:52:00.000-07:00

San Francisco Time Again

2006-09-27T22:22:00.000-07:00

I went back to San Francisco but this time with my Filipino friends here. Grace is here for a month vacation and it was John's last weekend with us before he starts his training in the Navy. Damn, why do good people always have to say goodbye? Oh well, distance should not be a problem anyway. Look at Grace, she left us six months ago to pursue her nursing career and study back in the Philippines but our friendship did not stop there and 6 months ago felt like only yesterday. I hate goodbyes so everytime people leave now, I always think that I'll see them once again.

Going back to our SF trip, we didn't really go places since this is actually my fourth time to visit the city and it was not even a month ago when I went there with Matt and his friends. Of course, when I say FUN that involves a lot of eating. We went to Gerry's Grill (worth the waiting time of almost an hour) and PPQ (to die for peppercorn crabs). Von cooked for us too and we had sinangag every morning of our stay there. He made lechon kawali and steak for lunch that Saturday (oh di ba, combination of American and Filipino just the way I love it, hahaha!) . We snacked a lot too. Damn, when I say vacation, it always means FOOD. :)

You will definitely know right away that I'm with Filipinos without even looking at the faces of these people I was with since we took a lot of pictures and when I say a lot, that means ten times of these pictures below. When Matt saw our pictures, all he said was "Damn Nathalie, you guys took more pictures than my 3 weeks vacation in Africa." Oh yeah, considering that we just stayed there from Friday to Sunday and we've been there couple of times. Alright, we love to pose and capture the moments or maybe as for my case, I was deprived of having picture taken before. Oh and did I tell you that I only had two to three baby pictures so that shouldn't be maybe but definitely instead. :)

FUN, FUN, FUN in San Francisco but I did not leave my heart there. I was so eager to go back on Sunday to see my workaholic guy who again worked all weekend... Poor, poor him but not so poor coz I brought him some stuff from H&M. I kinda missed him and that was the first weekend that we did not really see each other ever since we got together.

I'm ready for Santa Barbara this weekend and that's going to be my first time there.

Got a Little Mushy but Happy

2006-09-05T21:10:00.000-07:00

The Labor Day weekend was my first weekend to go out of town trip with Matt and his friends, and the first time that I did not have any pictures taken in San Francisco. My guy doesn't really like picture taking, huhuhu. It was a fun trip though. I got to eat at PPQ, watched his rooommates' shows twice in a row, got to talk with most of his friends and their girlfriends as well, visited H&M and shopped a little than usual, met up with Ronnie and Von, enjoyed a really long BART experience with Matt, walked 20 blocks with Matt while I complained and exaggerated things to bug him and of course spent quality time with him.

I have to admit now that I'm falling in love with him. Well, I just spent a straight seventy-four hours with him. There were no fights and not even a single argument with him. I must say he is an easy going guy though very workaholic (he even spent a good two hours of work in our trip). He did all the driving too while I took care of the conversation and I made fun of him so much (I even drew stuff on his arm while he was driving, hahaha). Well, I am really "makulit" and he knows and agrees to that but his trick is to always join me with my "kakulitan" which makes it so much fun. I think this trip made us so much closer to one another. We aren't that shy anymore to each other and we can talk like anything under the sun. I must say that the more I get to know this guy, the more that I like him. I guess, I really did not expect him to be like this.

I can say that he makes me happy and he lightens up my not so good days. I hope this continues to be great. I hope that friendship is really a good foundation of relationship.

Damn, I think Cupid hit me!

My totoy gatas is now totoy walang gatas since he is quitting milk to see if it would make his weird stomach feel better... Huhuhu, poor him but for me, he's still my milk boy coz he's as white as a milk, :P

Thanks Matt even if I doubt this acknowledgment will reach you coz you don't even know the existence of this blog, hahaha. :)

It's almost weekend

2006-08-31T21:18:00.000-07:00

It's time for a break. It's Labor Day weekend and just like last year, I am headed to San Francisco but this time with different group of people. Actually, this will be my first time to spend an out of town trip with Totoy Gatas and I will meet most of his friends, as well as their girlfriends, for the first time too. I'm kinda excited about it but I am also shy since I haven't been in this situation for a long time now. Come to think of it, I haven't really been in this kind of situation since these are mixed nationalities I will be spending time with. It's amazing though that all his roommates are dating Asians too (2 Filipinos and 1 Indonesian). We are also meeting his Filipino guy friend in Oakland. Damn, Asians meet the Whites or vice versa kind of thing. I'm still different coz this is the first I will be hanging out with them and I'm the only Filipino who was not really raised here. Matt even said that he knows more Filipino words more than they know.

I'm sure this trip is going to be fun. No work to think about for him that he normally does even on weekends. I hope we will eat at PPQ and the newly open Gerry's Grill in Union City. Damn, whatever happens, I will try my very best to make him or them go there with me. PPQ is to die for! The best crab I ever tasted so far in the States and the price is very reasonable. Oh well, Gerry's Grill is an all time fave for sisig back home. I hope it tastes like how Gerry's Grill back home tastes or probably even better since my taste buds for Filipino food changed here already. I'm not so picky about it and most of the Filipino food here tastes really good to me since I seldom have one.

Matt said we do not have really set plans on where to go and what to do in SF. The only set one is that we have to watch his roommate's show on Sunday night. Since he didn't make plans or he didn't have the time to make those, I've been thinking about things to do. Of course, when they're Nats's plans, they involve eating, eating and eating more.... hahaha. He better prepares for these. Food really makes me happy. Just checking the addresses and sites of the places I want to go to eat makes me so so hungry. Hahaha, eating is really one of my simple joys in life. I can never go wrong with food. :) Check these two URLs www.gerrysgrill.com/us/index.php, www.ppqdungeness.com/photo.htm and you'll definitely agree with me.

Damn, I almost forgot that it's only Friday tomorrow and I still have to go to work. Gotta pack stuff for SF trip now and switch on my work mode tomorrow morning BUT... it feels like weekend already! I can even smell the aroma of the sisig and see the chicharon on top of it... Oh and the crab with garlic all over plus the garlic noodles,what a perfect combination!

Suckers!!!

2006-08-22T22:12:00.000-07:00

My Health Insurance really sucks! Oh well, my coworkers have been saying this to me but I didn't want to believe them until it finally happened to me. I went for a doctor's visit today and there was a copay of $35 if you have insurance coverage but this Blue Cross PPO 2400 only covers insurance once you exceed spending $2400 out of your pocket in one year period. So, I ended up paying the regular $175 doctor's visit plus the copay of $35. Damn, I even paid more than what a person without insurance will pay. I also had some lab tests that were again not covered by the insurance and I will get billed for later on.

Imagine, how this insurance company earns? I'm so sure most people with this kind of plan will not exceed the $2,400 in a year so definitely, most are paying out of their own pockets, plus the additional copay. Suckers!!!!

Honestly, what I spent on Dental and Doctor's visits here are more than enough to cover my plane fare going home and doing all these tests and procedures that they did to me. I might even have money left for shopping. Damn! So, who says living in the States is easy? I should have taken medicine or dentistry back home and back then.

Kakaibang Pakiramdam at Pagsusulat

2006-08-21T22:31:00.000-07:00

Kapag nalulungkot ako dito sa Amerika, napapaisip ako kung tama ba na nandito ako? Kung natutumbasan ba ng mga karanasan at biyayang natatanggap ko dito ang anumang wala dito? Ang hirap minsan, lalo na kasi ang dami talagang pagsubok na dumarating dito. Di mo nga mahuhulaan kung ano ang mangyayari bukas?

Ah ewan, siguro magulo lang ang takbo ng utak ko ngayon. Kasi bukod sa kapag Lunes tambak ang trabaho ko ay ang pinakamatalik kong kaibigan sa trabaho ay may sama pala ng loob sa akin. Grabe, ang hirap pala na kayo lang dalawa sa kwarto sa opisina na walang imikan at nung mag-imikan kayo ay nanggagalaite pa siya sa galit at wala akong kamuang-muang na ganoon katindi sa kanya ang aking nagawa. Hindi naman ito tungkol sa trabaho kungdi sa aming personal na relasyon na siyempre nakakaapekto sa pagpasok at pagtratrabaho namin sa opisina. Haay, sana naman maayos na at sana patawarin na niya ako sa kung ano man sa tingin niya na nagpasama ng kanyang loob. Siguro nga kapag malalim na ang pagkakaibigan, mahirap din kapag nagkaroon ng hindi pagkakaunawaan. Minsan naisip ko, mas madaling makisalamuha sa mga lalaking kaibigan. Wala masyadong sama ng loob, simple lang at walang drama.

Siguro ngayon alam niyo na kung bakit naisipan kong magsulat ng Tagalog kahit na hirap na hirap na kong isipin ang mga tamang salita sa aking pagsusulat, hahaha. Bukod sa sakaling mabasa niya ito ay hindi nya maiintindihan, ay sa kadahilanang sobrang nananabik ako sa Pilipinas at sa mga taong mahahalaga sa akin doon.

Kahapon nga, tinagpo ko sa paliparan ang aking kaibigan dito na pauwi ng Pilipinas at talaga naman kakaibang negatibong pakiramdam ang aking nadama. Sana ganon lang kadali umuwi at makapiling ang mga taong malapit sa iyo sa Pilipinas.

Tapos nakatanggap pa ko ng sulat sa aking lalaking pinakamatalik na kaibigan sa bangkong aking pinagtrabuhan noon na ikakasal na siya sa Enero 2007. Sobrang masaya ko para sa kanya pero siyempre, nakakalungkot na alam ko na di ako makakadalo sa kanyang mahalagang araw na isang beses lang madalas mangyari sa isang tao. Haay naku, pero ano ba naman ang bago dito? Kinasal nga yung babaeng pinakamatalik kong kaibigan nitong Mayo at gusto niya akong kunin na "maid of honor" pero siyempre hindi naman ako nakadalo. Maraming mga susunod na ikakasal sa mga kaibigan ko doon pero malamang lahat yon ay hindi ako makakadaluhan. Sana naman sa kasal man lang ng aking kuya na nararamdaman kong malapit-lapit na din ay makapunta ako.

Siguro, hindi ko araw ngayon. Kasi puro panghihinayang ang naiisip ko at kalungkutan sa sitwasyong kinatatayuan ko. Minsan, mahirap talagang maging banyaga at malayo sa lupang kinamulatan ko. Sana lahat nito ay may kapalit na maganda balang araw.

Our Kind of Fun

2006-08-20T23:47:00.000-07:00

Our Filipino group is getting smaller. We seldom see each other too but everytime we do, it's always fun. Having a simple but big meal and dessert, chatting and picture taking are what we all love to do. Hmmm... I wish we all live a bit closer to one another.

Planning101

2006-08-15T23:05:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, he asked me what do I want to be and what do I like doing in the future. I was having a bad week that time and I was shocked and couldn't really think. My answers were so general like I want to have a business of my own. Of course, he was trying to get specifics like what business I want and how do I plan to achieve that. Damn, I couldn't think straight. I said I know I want to have a restaurant or a clothing business but I have not really thought about the specifics of any of those. Of course, I asked him the same question and he was pretty clear on what he wants and how he can achieve it.

Today, we had lunch together. I was talking about how burned out I am and that I need a vacation. He said maybe, he can take a vacation with me and can check his schedule. So, I kinda got excited about it that he can have the time to go out and can even have at least a weekend get away from LA. Then he said but that will be expensive and I have to save. He said he figured that if he can increase his savings then he can probably buy a house in two years instead of his plan of getting it in three years. Again, he raised the questions to me, like what is my goal and plan. Do I plan to buy a house too and when? Omg, I was speechless. Everytime, I got these questions, I said that... I need to get my greencard first. Then he asked again like when will I get it? I don't know.... and I went on trying to escape his questions. Then he said that I should make plan now than wait for years to get my greencard and make a plan after that. He was even counting like how much I plan and save each month and giving me all the pointers.

Alright, I know he's right and his pointers are good. I must admit that even if I was pressured by his questions last Friday, I think he helped me get the motivation that I needed to get the work that was giving me a big headache that week, done. Although today, I felt really bad that I could not even concentrate on my work. I felt like questioning myself like... Am I really doing bad? and am I like a person without plan? I know when I was younger, I just thought too much. My boyfriend at that time was even asking me like why was I like that. Why did I have to have all these plans and he told me that I should not worry so much and enjoy my life. He also made me believe that we should be planning together and include each other in our plans and so we did that. So, I guess when that relationship failed , all my plans were shattered too. It was tough but I learned a lot.

After all the questions I had for myself today, I realized things. I'm a person who usually has plans and I even accomplished a lot of my plans in a matter of a year. I started here like working really crazy and seven days a week with a really low pay. I'm telling you I was doing way better in the Philippines as compared to my situation 1 1/2 years ago and back home, I could even afford to rent a studio apartment, to have my clothes washed and ironed (not by my family's helper but the laundry services), to have at least a massage and hot oil hair treatment once a month, to have a gym membership, to go have fun with friends even every night, to go shopping twice a month and to give my mom her monthly allowance. So, I said to myself that I should have that as a standard and I should prove to myself that I could have a good paying job in the States even if I'm just in H1B (that most companies here take advantage of and even try to pay less than the industry). I was able to do that and I got the job that would make me stay here and declined the offer that I had in Malaysia (which was a pretty good deal too... they were going to pay for my apartment there and would even give me one free round trip ticket every year to visit home). After 3 months of getting the job that I wanted here, I moved to renting my own room in a better area as to sharing a room with someone. 3 months after that, I got a brand new car (something that I never had in the Philippines since I did not really feel that I had a need for it there). 3 months after that again, I moved and rented my own studio apartment in a good area and not even a mile away from work. So, I do make plans and try my best to accomplish them. I think, I'm doing pretty good as compared to the other foreigners who are here too. He even said that I'm a cut above the rest and that I'm even doing better as compared to the average Americans here.

Oh well, I realized I should not really feel bad. Right now, I have not really made concrete plans, and I'm taking a break from all the hardships that I experienced here and I'm trying to enjoy the fruit of my labor. This is the only year that I can go out, watch a movie every week again, eat good food, shop the clothes and stuff that I want, build friendship with people, send my family the stuff that they want and find happiness in a place so far away from home and friends that I value a lot. This is part of my plans too but I think about my future as well. I try to save as much as I can but without really sacrificing my happiness. One definite plan I have is that there is no way I am going to be dependent to another person in order to survive. Wherever I go, I will have a good life and definitely I should be able to provide for myself and the family that I will eventually build.

Another realization I have is that he is really different from the other men I knew. Normally these questions would come from a woman talking to her man. I must say he is challenging me to focus on my plans and on ways to achieve them. Damn Milkboy, hahahaha! :)

????****duh????ZZZZZZ....

2006-08-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

I need a vacation. I feel so tired and burned out from work. Last Friday, I was ready to collapse coz of a really busy and crazy week. I hope this week turns out good.

My mind is going crazy tonight... a lot of thoughts going on. It has a mind of its own, that's why it's called a mind.... hahahaha. See how weird it is? Oh well, it has mixed thoughts... part of it misses home, part of it is saying how tough I am now and how I am fine just being alone, part of it's feeling lazy and wants to procrastinate, part of it says that I am just wasting my time now writing, surfing the net and not doing much, part of it is telling me that it can control my emotions now, part of it thinks of Matt, part of it wants to take a break and go elsewhere and part of it is telling me that I have to stop coz it can get on and on and on and on and on with whatever stuff!

I have changed a lot. My mind rules me now but I guess I have to let my heart lead once in a while coz my mind gets tired too.

I have to sleep coz I'm not making sense anymore.

Bored "ME"

2006-08-04T21:19:00.000-07:00

I got bored last Wednesday night and took pictures of myself while making different faces. I guess, I can't make a lot of different looks but I was quite pretty good that night in my picture taking, hahaha. :)

Sometimes, I get a little vain too coz I am woman and that night and tonight are part of those "sometimes." The things you do when you're living on your own and so far away from home.

Missing HSBC Friends

2006-08-01T23:23:00.000-07:00

Finally, I was able to open the album that Maris shared to me. She is my closest friend in HSBC. HSBC Hongkong hired her and so she's moving there. She wrote me how much she's missing her friends and family already with just the thought that she will be away soon. She said she can relate to my situation though it's easier for her to go back home. Damn, just looking at the pics makes me realize again how much I miss them and how much we've shared together. No matter where I go, I still consider my HSBC group as the best. I bonded so much with this group be it with the women or with the men. I miss them so badly that I'm even closed to tears right now.

Why is it so hard for me to find a large group here that can have the same intensity of that group? Why do I have few friends here? Why do friends here just come and go? And why is it more often than not that the ones who leave here are hard to replace? Why are there times that I feel like going out but can't think of the group who is readily available and that I want to go out with? Why do friends here seldom meet as compared to how friends meet back home? Why do I have a lot questions? And why do I have more questions if ever I continue to think of this?

I guess, I have to stop now and just be happy... that even if those friends are so far away from me, we remain special to one another. The memories that we shared can never be erased and will always remain in our hearts no matter where we go. I'm so glad for the technology that we have now... communication is never a problem and we can always capture the moments.

HSBC is the best and nothing beats that!

Points to Ponder

2006-07-25T23:49:00.000-07:00

Which hurts more?... "Finding that your ex-boyfriend who broke your heart last year is now engaged with a girlfriend he has for three months" or "Being engaged with a guy whom you think and most people think is not good for you but yet you are blinded by love."

Oh well, I guess the latter does not really hurt at once coz you may not know what is wrong at that time since love makes you blind but eventually, you will suffer too especially when you're living together already. Love is not always in its honeymoon stage and you cannot survive by love alone. Also, it is a natural reation to feel bad when you find out that someone in your past has found his happiness and is ready to take the next step with another person that he wasn't able to give you. That hurt doesn't last long though, it is just an after-shock effect of the pains of your break up.

Ever wonder why this person is so madly in love with that someone even if you don't see that someone as pretty, nice and worth loving? What makes him fall for her? What makes him want to spend a lifetime with her? The only answer is "compatibility." There is such thing as "match." A barong tagalog can never go well with a pair of jeans (be it True Religion, Seven, or Rock & Republic) but it will definitely look good with a pair of gray or black slacks (na gawa ng kapitbahay nyong mananahi na si Aling Mila).

Don't try to overanalyze things and don't question your worth when things don't go your way. Whether you're a jello, a creme brulee, minatamis na saging, nata de coco, etc, there's someone who thinks you're the best thing ever and wants to even have you everyday.

RENT

2006-07-23T15:37:00.000-07:00

Last night was my first time to watch a play in the States. Alright, I went to New York last March but unfortunately Kuya Joma got dizzy and sick the night we were supposed to watch a play (Men's excuses... it was for real though). So, yesterday, I watched RENT with Matt at Pantages. I could barely see what was going on at the first set since I was stupid to leave my glasses at home. I appreciated it more on the second set since I rented a binocular when I saw that they had one. I liked the music and the lead guy, Roger. Overall, it was awesome!

I learned my lesson not to leave my glasses no matter how small my purse is if ever I see a play again. :)

Thanks to Milkboy for the dinner and play. Hmmmm... I really like that he accompanies me to this kind of stuff and can watch cheesy and chick flick movies with me. I guess, it's better to start a man early with this kind of stuff so that he can get used to it before he even complains, hahahaha. :)

Isn't it obvious that he is not into having and taking pictures?

Iceskating Night

2006-07-22T13:48:00.000-07:00

It was iceskating night last night with my coworkers. I was not really in for it since I don't know how to skate. I know, I tried iceskating once at Megamall eleven years ago when my organization, Mafia (Management of Financial Institutions Associations at DLSU and not the real Mafia, ok?),had this Iceskathon as fund raising activity. I knew back then I was just at the side with my group of friends, holding on to the bars while we skated (errrr... walked). Most of the people at that time didn't know how to skate so it was fun but there was one orgmate who was excellent so I went to the center only when he was holding me.
So, yesterday was a different thing. Majority of the people there knew how to iceskate and it was really crowded. I was with Matt, Kelly, Rick, Samson, Nick, Ariel, Anil, Anup and Anshu. The latter four plus me did not know how to iceskate while the others were fine and they went rollerskating and rollerblading too when they were younger. Matt and I were the first ones to buy tickets. Ariel backed out the last minute. I was scared all the time and I remember myself humming while tying the shoelace of my iceskating shoes. Matt was of course laughing while he asked "What's that you're doing?." All I said was, "I guess, I'm trying to calm myself down.," hahaha. So after putting all our stuff in the locker, we went to the iceskaing rink. There I was very scared and not even two minutes of being on the ice, I fell. Damn, it hurt so bad and it left a big bruise on my knee. Huhuhu, Matt didn't catch me. He was very patient though telling me what to do and how to control the skates but I was very adamant to learn and to release my hand from the wall. On the other side of the rink, Anshu was really struggling while Kelly was trying to help her out. Anil fell three times. He even saw stars at his last fall when his head hit the floor but he still went on. Anup who also didn't know how to skate was very cool in making his baby steps but he was successful in whatever trick he was doing.

After 45 minutes or so of trying to balance on the corner while holding on to the wall whenever I felt like I was going to fall, I finally had the courage to release my hand and followed Kelly's instruction on how to skate. Matt was skating while I made progress and Kelly told me how he was looking at me from afar and he was happy that I finally took control of my fear. I made a big progress, I was kinda skating in the middle already and I think I made two laps until they told us to go out of the rink since it was time to clean the ice. Damn, that was scary! After they cleaned the ice, we went back in but it was so slippery and I was struggling again and back square one. Ten minutes after, I gave up and I just stayed with Anshu, resting on the bench while the other half of our group skated. Rick, Nick and Anil had major falls since it was really slippery. After twenty minutes or so, we finally decided to leave.

That was a fun experience even if it left bruise on my knee (that will probably disappear after a month still). I didn't want to bruise or scratch myself since I am going to wear a dress tonight to watch the play, Rent. Well, I knew I would though if I joined them in iceskating so as expected, it happened, hahaha. It was worth the fun and the care that Kelly and Matt showed me. I know Kelly is always a sweet person so that wasn't new. I was shocked with Matt though coz I didn't really expect him to be like that. Actually, up to now, I'm still amazed on how he has been acting towards me lately. I guess, it's really better when you're not expecting something from a guy. I am really enjoying my moments with him. Last night, we didn't really care if we were acting as a couple in front of our coworkers.

Damn, she's so in love!

2006-07-21T00:35:00.000-07:00

Cousins rule!!!! Guess who is she?

I checked out my cousin's site and she just created a new blog site, http://artikulet.akoniya.com. (Sorry cuz for posting this one. Don't worry, only a few know about my blog.) When I read her new blog, all I said out loud, alone in my empty room, was "Damn, she's so in love!" I'm really happy for her. I know he loves her so much too and it really shows but I never really expected my cuz to be like this. I guess, I never saw this side of her. All I saw were her crazy and weirdo ways in this side of life. Oh well, people change/changed and so did I!
Her blog name says it all, she's maarte, makulit but very articulate too. I love her so much and there's never a dull moment when we are together... laughing, laughing and laughing while people around us wonder why.
I miss you joyings... sticker... xtine, tin... joy... neney (what's that??? hahahaha!) I must thank the cupid who did that to you. You truly deserve the "joy" that you're experiencing.

Home Sweet Home

2006-07-11T00:17:00.000-07:00

It has been three months since I finally able to rent a place on my own. It was hard at first and it still gets lonely from time to time but overall, I am loving it.

My place is still a work in progress but I have to take it slow to furnish it fully since it's costly. Of course, the mothly rent by itself is pricey than ever. Oh well, this is my simple home. It's worth it! :)

Save, save, save

2006-07-09T09:28:00.000-07:00

I think I've been spending a lot lately. When I first started here, I could save more than now to think that I was earning so little at that time. Oh well, it's really true that as your income goes higher, your way of living follows. I have to exert more effort to save up. I think, I shopped a lot last month so no more shopping for me unless they're necessities. I even made a spreadsheet, listing my bi-monthly income and expense, to help me save. I hope I be successful. Gotta save for the rainy days!

Two Years and Still Counting

2006-07-03T23:13:00.000-07:00

Today, I celebrate my second year of Independence Day. It's a day early from ID4 but technically, I got here July 4, 2004 Philippine time or even NY time. What a coincidence, it's my Independence day too but independence from the Philippines and it's also my Fil-American Friendship day (as how Philippines celebrates July 4). It's really a friendship day for America and me since I have to build a good relatioship with this country for me to survive.

To celebrate this, I had lunch/dinner at Cheesecake Factory with Matt at around 3pm. This time, everything was on me (drinks, appetizer, entree and even dessert). I figured it was time to treat him since he has been paying for the fancy restaurants that we've been eating for the last 2-3 months. That man deserved a treat, hahaha. Althought what I spent didn't even amount to the average meal that he was paying for those months. Oh well, I told him to choose a nice place so that was not my fault at all.

Looking back on how I was two years ago, I can say that I really made a big progress. As I told Matt, I think I am doing pretty good for a foreigner here in the span of two years. All he said was, "You are doing pretty good even for an American." Hearing that from an American made me feel good. I must have really established a good friendship with America. I think, I got lucky too. Despite the heartaches and challenges I experienced here, I made it through. Of course, I am still a work in progress here but I'd like to think no matter where life leads me, I don't have to worry as long as I try my very best. I'm no extraordinary person. I feel lazy too at times but I really value my work. With the break that I got here, I should really work my ass and make good use of my current situation.

Now, it's getting clearer that I like it here more now. When people ask me if I plan to stay here for good, I can now easily answer, "Of course or else what am I doing here and why waste my years here." I still miss a lot in the Philippines especially my family and friends. Like I've said before, I can even count with my fingers the good friends that I have here but overall, this is a better place. It gets lonely at times but it makes me a tougher person. I have my worry in finding the right person and buiding my own family here since I barely know a few people here and don't even have the chance to meet more people, and also divorce is so rampant here but maybe if it's really for me, it will happen. After all, I am pretty good in tough and rare situation.

So, here I am on my second year and still counting. Every year, it gets better. I lose some and I win some. Definitely, the gains are more than the losses. I'm loving the States! :)

MY JOURNEY IN A PLACE THAT SOMEDAY I CAN CALL HOME

2006-06-29T00:23:00.000-07:00

Scratches... Twice in a Row

2006-06-28T22:30:00.000-07:00

Last Friday, I found out that my car got hit and it left scratches on my bumper. They were not really big but the paint was peeled off. Those were my first after six months of having my car. I felt terrible and I did not even know who did it. After a carwash last Sunday, my car looked better and only the part that was peeled off was noticeable.
This morning, I was in a hurry to go to work since clients would be in the office and we were told to come in early. As I was backing, my phone rang. It was a coworker so I figured I should answer and it must be important. Damn, as I was talking to her, it took me three attempts before I could finally back clearly from my apartment's crowded parking space. I finished talking to her but for some reason, I wasn't really paying attention to my driving. As I turned right to go outside, I heard a bang. Damn, I hit my neighbor's car. I went down to check her car but it was such an old one, I couldn't even tell if I really hit it. I guess, I hit it on the front's bumper but no one could really tell so I just went back to my car and drove to work. After parking my car, I checked my car and there they were, two kinda long lines at the side of the left passenger seat. Oh my, I was really sweating when I saw the scratches. They were worst than last week's. What a way to start my day? I felt terrible again but also stupid. Poor car and poor me. Hu hu hu hu ... maybe, I should just think that good thing those were just scratches. I hope there's no more third one. As they always say, shit happens! Oh well, it's just a car so I should stop whining.

I don't know but it sucks

2006-06-22T00:18:00.000-07:00

All by myself, that's what I feel this week. I go home at night in a place that I'm not sure if I can consider home, wondering what am I doing in a state so far away. I can even count using my fingers the number of people that I can consider my friends here. I'm homesick... I miss my family and friends. I want to go out most of the time but I feel like I don't have that many friends to be with.
Am I having a bad week or not? I can't even tell. How can I make a good judgment on this kind of stuff when I don't even know what I want. I don't even know what I am doing here and I don't know where this journey here will take me. I thought when I was younger, I knew what I wanted but I was wrong. Maybe, it's not really that I don't know what I want but it seems like it's freaking hard to get it.
This is such a shitty feeling. I can't even trust my emotions and whatever I am feeling right now since I can't think straight. I am sorry, I think I'm looking for something that I don't have and that I'm doubting I will ever have. It sucks being so far away and alone sometimes. I have this facade that looks so strong but deep inside me, I am hurting. I want to be simple but it seems so complicated. I don't want to call this a quarter life crisis coz I don't want to live that long nor I can't call this a mid life crisis coz I'm not that old yet. Maybe, it's a one third life crisis if there's such a thing... well whatever this is, it's such a shitty stage. I need to help myself get out of this.

Doubtful but Wishful Thinking

2006-06-11T23:37:00.000-07:00

It seems like this is the marriage season for most people I know. My bestfriend got married last May and too bad I couldn't even make it coz it was too far, Philippines. One of the first good friends that I had in my first work got married last April and good thing that I was able to attend it. One of my groupie in the bank got married this year too and I have two friends who just got engaged and will marry next year. My best guy friend is also planning to get married next year. Oh and just today, I heard that the first guy I dated here in the States is soon getting married and there's an engagement party this June. I'm so over that guy but somehow it still makes me wonder like how some people can change others, especially their views. I just thought that when we separated ways, he was so far away in going to that direction and besides, they really didn't start in a serious one and they just recently admitted that they are actually together. Oh well, it's not really about them but it's just this question, "When will you really know that this person is the one?"
I guess, my idea about love and marriage is just jaded right now. I've been burned several times and I see divorce and break ups to even the closest people that I have. My parents' marriage was not succesful either. It happened in my teen years and it really had a great effect on me. My first relationship was for 4 1/2 years and it was so close to marriage but it still didn't happen. The second and third boyfriends that I had were talking about this thing even in the earliest stage and both relationships did not even last for a year. For me, those words were just BS, they said those things just to make me fall for them and be the best girlfriend that I could ever be. The worst part of the situation is after hurting you and so, most of them would come to you to tell you how stupid they were for leaving you and not fighting for their love which is another BS. I know these situations made me stronger and after being burned so many times and having challenges in other aspects of my life, I can endure any pains now and the tears will go away. The sad part about that is that I am now careful and I hold back to what I am feeling. I don't want to have so much emotional attachment with someone to avoid being hurt. My views about commitment is different now too and I feel like it can start a problem and it can be a responsibility. My feelings are not as hard as a stone and I like someone too right now but I'm not sure if this can lead to something serious. I hope about that too but somehow, I'm scared. I have a lot of what ifs and maybes. I do not even know what love is. I feel like in the country that I grew up, it's so easy to say I love you to someone but I also wonder if the people there know what it truly means. I even had doubts if I loved the last two guys that I cried for and made sacrifices for. Oh well, maybe, in time, I will have a clearer view of things. I think every one of us wants to settle and be with that someone we love and it is just a matter of time. I hope that there will come a time that I will not doubt and all these confusions I have about loving will vanish and will make me fall again. Honestly, I admire these people who are getting married or who got married and somehow I wish I can just be one of these people who have found happiness in this aspect of their lives.

Maybe

2006-06-10T12:14:00.000-07:00

I don't know what this is? I don't have the courage to ask yet. I've never been in this kind of situation but oftentimes, it feels great. Maybe, I'm still scared... maybe, I've been burned so many times and I don't want that to happen again... maybe, I'm still not ready to deal with my emotions... maybe, I don't want it to become a responsibility just like what happened to the previous ones... maybe, I may not like the possible outcome if I say something... maybe, I'm not sure of what I really want... and maybe, I am waiting for the time that we will both be sure. All I know right now is I'm happy whatever this is! I hope it stays being a pleasant situation. I hope all my maybes will have definite answers at the right time.

YOU

2006-05-24T02:05:00.001-07:00

You’re very different and I like you so much. I have never met a guy who doesn’t give me praises with how great I look or who easily gives me compliments except you. I’ve never seen a guy who doesn’t really call or send me messages. How do you do it? How do you make me feel not to care but care at the same time? What’s up with you? Are we making a slow progress here? When will I not be scared and just tell you how I am feeling? Until when will I be challenged? Until when will I reach out to you? Why oh why with you, I can’t really tell? When will I be sure that you like me for who I am and what I am doing. I know, I don’t really like aggressive men and no matter how good looking they are, they make me not want to go out and like them but you are exceptionally hard as a rock! Where are your emotions? When will we ever admit to one another how we truly feel? Damn, I like you so much!!! I’m so not good in this situation.

Make me wonder why...

2006-05-24T01:59:00.000-07:00

What am I doing here? Why did I choose to be here? Is this really the right choice for me? Why am I far away from home, my family and dear friends? When will I finally say to myself that this is home? These questions make me wonder. I’m sure everyone of you has the same feeling at some point in your life… it can be with the work that you have, the person that you’re with or any situation that you question being there but isn’t it that when you’re trapped in this kind of feeling that you are able to do well? This is the time that you discover more of yourself and your capabilities. I know, I like challenges in life but when do I say enough is enough? I’m crazy… I like challenges but they make me weak at times too. Maybe, I’m in this situation because I still like it and can still stand it.