I am not sure whether to post this here or not but I guess, since I am here in front of my laptop thinking and writing then I might as well keep going. I hated anything that had to do with writing in highschool and I still do not think that I am good at this but somehow, this helps me feel better. This is my method of talking and knowing more of myself too.
Anyway, I wrote this last week after hearing that my good friend broke up with her boyfriend. Here it goes and it is saved as "thoughts 030607" in my docs. BEWARE, this might bore you. :)
I’ve been hurt so many times in my life and once in a while, they still haunt me either in my dreams or just when I’m having my reality check. It’s really lonely being away from my family and the friends that I gained back home. From time to time, I still feel the emptiness and I wonder about the moments and important events that I miss out simply by staying here. I guess I was not really prepared for the life here especially when I came here not primarily for myself but for someone else.
Things are still tough but I am surviving and I am actually doing fine. However, it is not easy to trust people especially if the ones you thought you trusted the most betrayed you. Empty promises, strong words that did not mean anything at all and life’s uncertainties are clearly stored in my mind. I am not sure if there would still be a time that these could be replaced by faith and belief that important things could last for a lifetime.
Most of the people around me and the friends dearest to me are either engaged, married or starting a family. I am happy for them but sometimes, I wonder if I am still the marrying type or if there was a point in my life that I really became one. The men that I was with cheated on me or either left me when I was in the lowest point of my life. I guess that is the reason why I can not help myself for feeling this way now. During those times that I was with any one of them, they would tell me how much they loved me and wanted to marry me but again, those were just words.
Right now, I am with a special someone. He is not like the typical guy that I was with. He is not into words but I can see through his actions that he cares although he tends to deny having emotions or just merely hiding them because he is a man. I know he is not ready for marriage. I am not even sure if we would go there. I am not sure if I am ready for that too but somehow, I am envious with the people who are married or who are engaged and feel that they are so special. I know if I was still in my early 20s, I would not feel this way. Sometimes, I feel that it is so unfair that women have to think of their biological clock. How I wish I could stay young for the rest of my life. If you think about it, what really is marriage? With the rate of divorce now especially here in the States, is that still important? How sure are you that it will work out when you get married? Are married people always happy? When do you actually know if you are ready for that? When do you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Do you stay in the relationship or even go to the next step coz you are scared to lose the person? Or just scared to grow old alone? Or scared that you might not find another person? Or scared to start all over again coz you are not getting any younger? Does a person’s view of marriage change over time? Or does it change with another person? Or does it change with a different situation? When is really the best time? Can someone actually change a person’s view? And if someone can, then how does he do that? Gosh, I can go on and on with my questions and I will still have no answers.
Honestly, I am quite satisfied and happy with what I have right now. He might not say the right words but he surely makes me happy and special in his own way. It is not the typical relationship that you see in movies, read in books or hear from friends but it is quite a simple and easy one. I have learned not to expect so much in life already and I know that things can go wrong and that I can only hope for the best. I try to look at the good side, be the best partner that I can ever be, cherish the moments and seize the day. I feel like when you think of the future so much then, you see the “what ifs” and the possible problems. You tend to look at things as problems even if they do not exist at all. You anticipate so much or expect so much that makes you or he fall short. Life is complicated itself so why not at least try to make it simpler. After all, whenever you stumble, you stand up and regain your strength again.
The great things I learned in life are to know, trust and love myself. I feel that I can only give more to others by doing these. No one can ever complete me coz I should be complete all the time so in case somebody leaves me again, I will only feel hurt but never be broken.
Anyway, I wrote this last week after hearing that my good friend broke up with her boyfriend. Here it goes and it is saved as "thoughts 030607" in my docs. BEWARE, this might bore you. :)
I’ve been hurt so many times in my life and once in a while, they still haunt me either in my dreams or just when I’m having my reality check. It’s really lonely being away from my family and the friends that I gained back home. From time to time, I still feel the emptiness and I wonder about the moments and important events that I miss out simply by staying here. I guess I was not really prepared for the life here especially when I came here not primarily for myself but for someone else.
Things are still tough but I am surviving and I am actually doing fine. However, it is not easy to trust people especially if the ones you thought you trusted the most betrayed you. Empty promises, strong words that did not mean anything at all and life’s uncertainties are clearly stored in my mind. I am not sure if there would still be a time that these could be replaced by faith and belief that important things could last for a lifetime.
Most of the people around me and the friends dearest to me are either engaged, married or starting a family. I am happy for them but sometimes, I wonder if I am still the marrying type or if there was a point in my life that I really became one. The men that I was with cheated on me or either left me when I was in the lowest point of my life. I guess that is the reason why I can not help myself for feeling this way now. During those times that I was with any one of them, they would tell me how much they loved me and wanted to marry me but again, those were just words.
Right now, I am with a special someone. He is not like the typical guy that I was with. He is not into words but I can see through his actions that he cares although he tends to deny having emotions or just merely hiding them because he is a man. I know he is not ready for marriage. I am not even sure if we would go there. I am not sure if I am ready for that too but somehow, I am envious with the people who are married or who are engaged and feel that they are so special. I know if I was still in my early 20s, I would not feel this way. Sometimes, I feel that it is so unfair that women have to think of their biological clock. How I wish I could stay young for the rest of my life. If you think about it, what really is marriage? With the rate of divorce now especially here in the States, is that still important? How sure are you that it will work out when you get married? Are married people always happy? When do you actually know if you are ready for that? When do you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Do you stay in the relationship or even go to the next step coz you are scared to lose the person? Or just scared to grow old alone? Or scared that you might not find another person? Or scared to start all over again coz you are not getting any younger? Does a person’s view of marriage change over time? Or does it change with another person? Or does it change with a different situation? When is really the best time? Can someone actually change a person’s view? And if someone can, then how does he do that? Gosh, I can go on and on with my questions and I will still have no answers.
Honestly, I am quite satisfied and happy with what I have right now. He might not say the right words but he surely makes me happy and special in his own way. It is not the typical relationship that you see in movies, read in books or hear from friends but it is quite a simple and easy one. I have learned not to expect so much in life already and I know that things can go wrong and that I can only hope for the best. I try to look at the good side, be the best partner that I can ever be, cherish the moments and seize the day. I feel like when you think of the future so much then, you see the “what ifs” and the possible problems. You tend to look at things as problems even if they do not exist at all. You anticipate so much or expect so much that makes you or he fall short. Life is complicated itself so why not at least try to make it simpler. After all, whenever you stumble, you stand up and regain your strength again.
The great things I learned in life are to know, trust and love myself. I feel that I can only give more to others by doing these. No one can ever complete me coz I should be complete all the time so in case somebody leaves me again, I will only feel hurt but never be broken.
