A Glimpse of My Pre-30 and 30 World

Overall, it was a good almost holiday, almost 30, Christmas and 30 for me. The blue turned out to be red. These are the reasons why.

• I had been looking forward to see Jay and Lele again after four years. We spent last Thursday in Universal Studios and left there when the rain was starting to pour. We had dinner at Ford's Filling Station with Bo, Brooke and Matt. I had the best and softest Kobe beef ever and it was my first time to taste rabbit. Definitely, I would go back here.

• I spent the Friday afternoon with Letlet and Jay again. We went to Hollywood, Pinkberry near my place, my place, 3rd Street Promenade and then to my birthday dinner at C & O Trattoria. Thank you so much to my friends, some old coworkers and Matt's group of friends. I know it was hard to get a hold of a lot of people during the holiday season but still they made it.

• Saturday was just a lazy day. Matt and I spent the day watching Lost Season 3 while he worked. At night, we had dinner at Valentino and drinks at Arsenal with the Santa Monica crew and their elementary friend and her family. Valentino was just an expensive old people place with nothing special type of food but of course we still had a goood time. My tolerance for alcohol is getting better. :)

• Sunday was another lazy day. A continuation of Lost, pizza delivery and left over food day. It was my birthday in the Philippines already so family members did not fail to call me. Although I was a little bit jealous of them being together in celebrating the holiday, I still felt special that they remembered me. It was also a day of responding to friends' email greetings.

• Then came Monday, my big 30. My family called me again to greet me on my birthday here. Lucky me, I got two-day-birthday and with Matt, I got a birthday month, lol. Matt gave me the watch that I wanted to buy for myself but I decided not to coz I had a lot of expenses already. Yipee! We also had brunch in Promenade before we headed to my place for him to open my Christmas presents for him. Then, we celebrated Christmas eve with his family. I felt so special that they greeted me on my birthday and also gave me presents. He has a nice family that made me feel the wamth of the season.

• On Christmas day, we still had a breakfast with his family. We watched Charlie's Wilson War and ouch there were no restaurants open. We ended up eating movie hotdog and nachos for lunch. I fell asleep during the movie (yikes) and I have been doing this more often lately. We had Coldstone before we headed to his family's Christmas Dinner.

• And then Christmas holiday was over... back to work on Wednesday but I was still able to continue my holiday at night time. I decided to go the OC to meet up with Maria, Ronnie and Von since we weren't able to see each other before and during Christmas, and it was Maria's last night in LA too. We ate at Gerry's Grill (still in soft opening). Of course as always, it was a great laugh and great food. Finally, they are part of my 30 world and my 20 something was just part of our memories. We even went to Tea Station after dinner and enjoyed our hot tea and sweet something toast. Gosh, they gave me this little book, 65 Things Not To Do After 30... funny. Good times!

I'm thankful that even when I'm so far away, I still have good people here who make me feel at home. I am also grateful to have my friends for life back home. It's ironic that I even get extra closer to some despite the distance that we have. I like all the presents that I got and a little something, even a simple greeting, really made me happy. I love turning 30 and being 30!

Red Christmas

Christmas is already in the air but not at work. I don't want to whine about it but I hope it gets better.

I'm kinda feeling blue but I'm trying to make my Christmas RED so I started it by wrapping my presents in red. :) No Christmas tree... no lights... no lanterns... but at least I've got stockings for a change this year. Awww, I miss home. This is the season where my heart feels a little bit empty. My 4th Christmas and 4th birthday here and gosh, I'm turning 30.

My Not So Good Mood

Hmmmm... my day started with a heavy breakfast. I dreamt of ordering food and before I even started eating it, I woke up. Grrrr... what a weird dream but this is quite normal to me. I don't know why but food is often in my dreams. I woke at early too, around 7am and I just decided to continue eating in my real world. I fried egg and hotdogs, made some toasts and had hot chocolate. Dang, I could not remember the last time I prepared myself this kind of breakfast.

My day was quite fine at work. I actually like my job as long as the finances are not so stressful. I was smiling too the whole day while talking to my coworkers but... I guess the imbalance that my body is feeling is again affecting my mood tonight. Hmmmm... gotta blame it to being a woman. Why do our hormones affect how we feel? It is so unfair! Do you know that in a woman's cycle, there are only around 5 days that are normal. It's even hard to trust what I feel right now and this holiday and cold season make me blue, huhuhuhu. Talking to a good friend who does not feel so great affects my mood as well. I wish life is easier... everybody knows and gets what he wants... people always understand each... and man and woman in a relationship are on the same page... and so on.

Awwww, life indeed gets harder as we grow older.... and I'm still in denial that I'm actually getting old.

Thinking Mode: ON

Tonight, I was full of ideas. Ideas that could make me rich, hahaha. :) I really think my fruitful life will begin at 30.

I can't share my thoughts here coz for now, they remain private. Hmmmm... I think my creativity is showing up, not in the artistic sense but in the innovative way. :)

This Year

30 is so near and along with that are the multiple thoughts... what you are, what you have done and what you really plan to accomplish in life. Good thing, my thoughts are positive lately. I feel like there's a lot of opportunities ahead. I hope what I'm feeling is so true.

This year is almost over and days will move even faster after Thanksgiving. I wouldn't be surprised if I woke up tomorrow and it was a whole new year. I've got my peaks and valleys this year but I think it was and still is a good year for me. I've learned a lot and I think I can meet my goal this year (I wasn't shooting for the star so it was quite reachable). I hope that next year will be better than this and that my ideas will be put into a positive action. Maybe my fortune cookie was right. :)

I think everything is all in the mind... as long as my heart is happy. :) My sense is getting blurry again which is so MEeeeeeee. Have to say goodnight now coz tomorrow is another busy day.

The Big 30... and almost there

A lot of my friends that I grew up with and learned stuff with have already reached their 30. In a little over 2 months, I'm hitting my BIG 30.

What really happens when you're like half a life time away from your teens? Well, I think things are so different now as to how our parents were on their 30s. My mom for one had three kids already at age 30 (which means that my dad was so closed to having 5 kids/or having me already at his 30) and I'm quite positive that majority of their batch had their own families at that time. For all of you who do not know, my parents were consistent baby makers for 6 six years of their lives , lol :P. Now in the US, it's like 50-52% of people at their 30s are still single or not married or divorced.

Honestly, it does not really bother me that I'm reaching my big 30. What bothers me at times is that there's still a big part of me that thinks and acts like a child. Sometimes, I wonder if I would still be like this twenty years from now. I know it's not good at times but I also think that that's the secret to looking young. Maybe that's why everytime I have my hair done or my nails done, people still ask me like what school I go to or if I came here to study and even Asians (who normally look young than the other genes) ask me these questions.

I think I have always been a late bloomer. My siblings were all consistent honor students in grade school while I wasn't. My brothers would even refer to me as the "latak" or the "residue" of the family. I started to excel in my studies only in 3rd year highschool but that still didn't stop me from being an introvert/shy young girl at that time. Dang, I dreaded oral recitations, presentations and contests (even Math which was always my fave subject). I was even afraid of boys especially of the boys that I liked and/or who liked me. They always misinterpreted my actions as being a snob. I could even count the number of times I got flowers in highschool. I missed out a lot of good opportunities to shine in school since I backed out on a lot of them. I only started going out on real date when I was at 20 and was working already. I worked for seven years in the Philippines before I came here and started all over again.

Hmmm... I guess when you're nearing 30, you can't help reflecting on what have happened to your life and one thing I realized is that no matter how old you are, there's no such thing as too late. It's all up to you to make the most of what you have and what you want to achieve. Yes, I consider myself a late bloomer but that never stops me from continuing to bloom. I think that that even makes me want to achieve more and learn more in life. I have also learned to know more about myself, my capabilites and to overcome my fears. My family, friends and even old acquitances were actually shocked to see a different and independent me.

Life begins at 30... at 40... or whenever you want it to begin... For as long as you're living, you have the choice to start anew with whatever you want to change in your life. My only hope is that whatever age or stage I am in my life, I would be happy and contented.

I'm nearing my 30... No big plans yet in life... not even close to settling down or having my own family but I'm happy and contented with what I have in life... I'm still discovering more about myself, about my special someone, about the people around me and about the States... and I'm loving it... I think I belong here. :)

I want this...

I have not invested in any nice jewelry or watches my entire life, maybe I should buy one one for my birthday (BIG 30!!!)/Christmas. Definitely, I can not afford a Rolex so I want this Tag Heuer instead http://www.amazon.com/TAG-Heuer-Womens-Kirium-WL131F-BA0710/dp/B000E48PHW/ref=sr_1_17/105-9042123-1590068?ie=UTF8&s=jewelry&qid=1190705399&sr=1-17. I've got three more months to save, hopefully it's still available at that time and at that price too. Hmmmm... do I deserve it? Let's see... only if I reach my goal savings this year or if I get my GC.

A pledge from family members would be nice. :) Wishful thinking.

Corex's Work of Art

Proud to be Pinoy

I was checking online if Netflix carries Filipino movies (which I really doubted) but in stead this is what I saw http://www.filipinomovierentals.com/default.php. I have not watched Filipino movies for a long time but I'm a TFC subscriber. It's funny that I watch this channel more than I did back home though most of my Filipino friends here can relate to me.

Oh yes, I subscribed to this. I can always borrow English movies and TV shows from Matt but I do not have anyone to borrow Filipino movies for free plus the Filipino rental stores are so far from me. Oh well, let's see how fast this is. I only subscribe to 1 DVD at a time at $9.95/month.

Ate, I'm not going to ask you anymore to buy me Filipino DVDs and besides I know that that takes forever too. :)

Sew Pretty Sew Perfect

Yes, Sew Pretty Sew Perfect... that's what my sewing machine states and this is an actual sewing machine and not something for kids. :) I love the review about it and it's nice to look at too. I haven't tried it and I don't even know how to sew yet.

One weekday last week, I bought some fabrics, threads and other essentials needed for sewing. Last Sunday, Matt and I went to Ikea to buy table, chair and the mini storage for my sewing essentials that could fit into my mini apartment. I built them all on Monday and I actully spent three hours doing that. I have not tested my sewing machine since I'm still reading my SEW U book.

I really wish I'll win my battle to see the artistic side of me. :)

When Boredom Strikes

I left work at around 11;30am today coz I was feeling sick. My eyes were on fire, my throat did not feel good and my body hurt. Good thing Matt was kind enough to bring me lunch, cough drops, honey for my tea and grape but he didn't stay long coz he was in the middle of work.
We were supposed to watch Stardust tonight but it is better for me to just stay home to feel well.

Huhuhu, I guess I'm not used to staying home on a Wednesday especially when I had plans in mind. So, boredom is really striking now but I do not want to leave the house coz I might feel sick again plus I need to be able to go to work tomorrow. Boredom + PMSing = Thinking of What Makes me Happy = Food and look at what I've found http://www.yummycupcakes.com/yummy.html. Dang, I should really get those cupcakes soon. I wonder why I did not see that whenever I walked on Promenade but I went twice already to Vanilla Bakeshop which was even farther.

My Battle to See the Artistic Side of Me

Alright, practical arts was not really my fave subject back in highschool but I will still try to learn sewing as a hobby. Actual sewing and not merely cross-stitching that I did and still do from time to time.

Last week, I orderd 2 sewing books in Amazon and they arrived today. Tonight, I went to Target and check out sewing machines but I didn't really find something interesting. Five minutes ago, I placed my order online at http://www.target.com/. Hopefully, it will arrive soon and I will try again for the Nth time to discover the artistic side of me. Ooops...I was not successful with my last try which was the shirt painting. I am convinced that I need lessons for that but this sewing, I will try on my own and of course with the help of some books. Wish me luck peeps! I have to be patient with myself too.

Save more

I really improved so much this year when it comes to saving but these past two months, I've been shopping again. The great deals too during the summer are really tempting and I can't resist them. Awww, a lot of unexpected expenses too like... medical bills (freaking $600 spent on that), friends coming over and birthdays/other occasions. Hopefully there will be no more unexpected expenses. I should be able to save more. I should really target a bigger amount to save.

I'm actually amazed to talk to my cousin who was quite a spender before but with the help of her husband, is really doing good managing their finances. So, if they can do it, there's no way that I can't be able to.

I've got to push myself again and stop shopping! I can save more. No more Hawaiit trip since friends backed out already and I'm not buying that Iphone too since I don't need it. Maybe, I should stop using my credit card too even if I like the points that I earn. I'm not a revolver so when the bill comes and when I actually pay it, that's when I say OUCH!

My Life

One day at a time and everything is going to be fine. This is how I have been trying to live my life. I'm leaving all the worries behind and focus on how good each day is. I believe that this is how life should be dealt or else, we can wake up one day feeling so old and realize that we have not enjoyed our life and it is almost over.

More often than not too, the things that we worry about do not even happen or do not exist. There's so much to learn, to live, to give and to be happy in life. :)

Catch Me If You Can

I just watched this. I was still in the Philippines when this was shown in theaters in 2002. Oh wow, I didn't really know that it was a true story. Of course, after reading what happened to Frank Abagnale Jr at the end of the movie, I looked him up in google. What an interesting movie and interesting man, http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Frank_Abagnale.

People deserve second chances. People make mistakes but we can always prove our worth to this world as long as we persevere.

My First...

A list of the first things I've ever done in the States:

1. Drive
2. Ask a man out (but of course I felt that there was something there, hehehe)
3. Buy my own car
4. Live completely by myself
5. Buy a game console for myself
6. Colour my own hair
7. Follow up on a job after an interview
8. Ask for a raise (since in the companies that I worked for back home, they give you a review yearly)
9. Buy a bed
10. Start a blog
11. Design a shirt (not good though)
12. Buy Converse shoes and lots of them (I had one pair when I was little but it was from my Dad)
13. Say I love you first without expecting to hear it back
14. Break my patterns
15. Drive far and go to a Casino by myself (I lost though, hahahaha but it was fun)
16. Walk to work
17. Ride the bus constantly to work for one and a half year
18. Send a balikbayan box
19. Be an OFW and send remittances
20. Write first a stranger in friendster but with connection (not a man, ok?)
21. Touch a dog owned by a stranger (Dogs at home bite big time but here, they're really treated as babies although big/ugly dogs still scare me)
22. Cook caldereta
23. Cook an entree for a man
24. Bring dinner to a man when he's busy working
25. Seize the day
26. Cry in a bus
27. Put a light bulb (just 20 minutes ago, it's funny huh?)
28. Build/assemble a cabinet (small one only)
29. Wash my own sheets (Normally I would have these picked up back home or a helper took care of these)
30. Spend $800 for a one time visit to a dentist (I hate this one!)
31. Work as a server in a small food place
32. Work 2 jobs
33. Sleep on an airbed in the living room for more than 6months
34. Have a break up over the phone and do not see that guy ever again
35. Kiss a guy that I'm not really dating
36. Buy myself an expesive purse (that most women do all the time)
37. Buy a coffee table
38. Buy a wine for my own use at home (I haven't drunk actually)
39. Think of dying
40. Question the existence of God (or maybe it was always there but people back home don't say these things freely)
41. Play texas hold'em poker
42. Create a Friday group at work (way gone)
43. Write constantly
44. Love writing even when I'm not good at it
45. Subscribe to a magazine
46. Fight for what I feel

To be continued once I think of more.

Lemon

http://www.unexplained-mysteries.com/forum/lofiversion/index.php/t65358.html

What about calamansi?

Look Around

Wow! I'm watching The Correspendents in TFC and I feel guilty for even feeling sad for the past few days. They're featuring a mobile teacher who rides the tricycle, rides the jeep for 3 hours and walks so far to the mountain just to teach the Igorots there. Normally she leaves her place at 9:30am, gets to her destination by 9:30pm and teaches her students the following day. She even has her meals cooked and packed good for two days (just one ulam, adobo in a plastic bag). Take note these Igorots are old people who never went to school when they were younger. She is earning $200 for such a hard task and she has been doing this for more than eight years. Oh wow, but it looks like it really gives her happiness and satisfaction to help these people. I always have and will always have big respect for teachers actually.

Sometimes, we really have to look around and appreciate the simple joys in life. I was complaining to myself that I'm alone again on a Friday night,to think that I chose this actually and only to realize that my night is not even enough to do the things I want to do. There's so much to life no matter where we are and no matter how stranger we feel in certain places.

Thank you guys again for reminding me how good and strong I am... that I'm actually doing great despite the storms that came. For making me feel worthy... For making me feel loved... For making me realize to look around... to look at the bright side... to feel great once again... to smile... and just to be me. :)

No Reason to Feel Blue

Alright, there's no reason for me to feel blue. I woke up so feeling down and even wanted to give up here, quit my job and just go home. I was actually feeling this again since Monday. I need not explain but I guess as my cousin said when someone throws me lemon, make lemonade. I actually want lemon squares cuz. :)

I should focus on the good side of life and the learnings after the storm. I think it is also good to accept being weak at times (who doesn't anyway?) but you have to be able to get out of it. I felt weak that I even called him coz he knew what was going on , why I was feeling sad this week and true enough, he gave me a good advice and yes, he's right, I know myself better than what other people think. I'm not in grade school anymore who would listen to what people say about me just to put me down. When I checked my e-mail, Ate Eileen and Denise sent me mails and they really care about me. Gosh, my sister, finding time to write a long e-mail means a lot coz she's really a busy lady. I also had a good lunch with other four coworkers and nice to hear new stories. My day was busy at work and I feel positive about this new company that I'm managing the finances. Also, Ronnie said we're going to Hawaii by the end of August to early September. I'm excited now. Another coworker gave me a good travel tips and ways to try new things. I'm actually thinking of spending Christmas in Key West, Florida with or without someone and just have fun and celebrate my big 30 there. :) And awww my cuz Joy really loves me, look at what she wrote: http://idioxinecrasies.com/cheer-up-219.html#more-219 .

I know myself... I love myself... and there are a lot of good reasons to live... I'm almost there to what I want and need... and things will be a lot easier... I will see my family soon... I will have more options... I win some, I lose some and there's always time to win and learn from my losses. I remember the book, Dare to Fail ... and yes, we shouldn't be afraid to fail coz everytime we do, we're closer to success.

Sorry Friends...

I'm sorry my dear friends if I have not replied to your e-mails lately. I'm a little bit in the low side and I might not have better things to say. Thank you so much though for all the care and your e-mails/messages are very much appreciated.

My mind, heart and spirit are too tired to comprehend. I can not understand why when I'm making a progress, other unexpected events pull me down.

Ayoko Na!

Pagod na ko. Ayoko na!!!!!!

Getting There

I think I'm getting there... to being a happy person and to loving myself more. There's only one person who truly knows me and that's ME. That's one thing I totally discovered here in the States.

My friend sent me this...

A friend sent me this. She got this from Philippine Star and it's kinda true. She knows we understand and agree to this...


Alone and aliveNEW BEGINNINGS By Büm D. Tenorio, Jr. Sunday, June 10, 2007

Gone are the days when single people hurry up to take the plunge and splash the world with their new status: married. Many young people now enjoy their youth. They enjoy it a lot that even if they reach their 30s, they seem to be unmindful of the ticking of the marital clock. (Wait till you meet ladies who are way past their 30s and yet not bothered by their ticking biological time clock.) Not everyone is in a rush to sprint past the finish line of being unattached, to some extent being uncommitted. Single-blessedness rules. In many cases, it's more of a rule rather than an exemption.
Not that there's a scarcity of compatible couples. Compatibility figures in as much as the relationship is concerned but to bring it to the level of exchanging "I do's" is all together another ball game. And in this ball game, the sweethearts are not only the players but also the referees of their own desires. So, even if they are of ripe age to get married, they just dribble around and delay the game before it leads them to the altar.
But love is not a game. Really, no one says it so. But getting married, for many, is not the answer. Not yet. Especially for those who want to remain single and enjoy its many blessings.
Such selfishness, you say. But it's a choice, we, members of the single society, say.
Economics figures in. When you're in love, you think in numbers, too. Because to raise a family entails financial obligations, many single people - of course those who are into amorous relationships - think twice before they take the bait of sharing one life, one love together. I may be single but I am not alien to the fact that many marriages collapse because of empty pocket and growling stomach. This is a sad reality considering that it is in the vows that "for richer or for poorer, for better or for worse" couple must stick together. But love alone will not suffice. There should be at least food on the table. So, the many single people now who feel they are not yet ready for the altar date do not push the issue. They work and save and spend. The cycle continues. The wedding bells can wait. If ever they will ring at all.
The yearning for a prolonged freedom and independence also contributes why many remain single. These people enjoy being unattached to the max. Psychiatrists call them simply as not the marrying type.
* * *
Many times I have been asked whether I am married or not. The 35-year-old in me always has this reply: "I am very much single but happily engaged... to myself."
This repartee surely elicits laughter from me and the people who ask me. My laughter, however, fades with this follow up question: "Hindi ka ba natatakot na tatanda kang mag-isa (Are you not afraid that you will grow old alone)?"
No. And that's what I always answer. Not because it is convenient for me to say "No" but because I sincerely believe in my conviction that I am not afraid to be alone.
It's not lonely to be alone.
What's with the word "alone" that makes people's mind meander to a world mantled by dark and dreary mood? Why does being alone always have to be equated with isolation, solitary confinement, feelings that are akin to being despondent and disconsolate?
I repeat, risking myself to sound like a broken record, it's not lonely to be alone.
People who say it's lonely to be alone surely have not yet experienced how to be fully happy. They have, perhaps, never realized yet that being single does not necessarily mean being empty. It is having a relationship with the self. Because you are well attuned to yourself, you know your needs. Those who do not have a healthy relationship with the self will always find the faults of the world instead of appreciating its many charms.
To be alone means to tread the path to self-realization, to nurture the road to enlightenment, to traverse the discovery of self-actualization. It is perhaps because of these that the word single-blessedness came into existence.
To be single and alone also means to be alive. It does not connote that the highway to the happily-ever-after is a far-fetched idea. The concept of "he" or "she," as oppose to "they," live(s) happily ever after is a congruent realization for someone whose fairy tale land is not peopled by any character but himself or herself only. Loving yourself to wholeness can be achieved even if you're alone. Lest you forget, you owe it to yourself to create your own happiness.
Single and alone? Fret not. Feel free to love yourself.

I am Turning Two...

I am turning two years old in Lotus tomorrow and I'm not sure what to feel. There were still a lot of people when I started there, a lot of Indians and engineers but now, people are leaving left and right. Too bad that they're mostly my friends/hang out buddies. I can't help not to feel sad to see this company go like this. I should have listened to my friends when they told me to detach myself from coworkers and treat work as work so that I won't feel affected when people leave and when things go wrong. But what can I do, my work eventually becomes my life and it still is now. What do you expect when you spend even more than 40 hours of your week with these people? It's hard not to build personal connections with them especially for a person like me who got here almost three years ago all by myself.

Oh well, too bad for me coz I also fell for a coworker who left the company last week. What's funny is that he has been complaining about the company even before we started dating and yet he said goodbye to me or "us" first before he could say goodbye to Lotus. Maybe I shouldn't compare myself to Lotus because money is so much different with love. I shouldn't complain too coz as my friend said, when things were going great and you were happy, working together was an advantage coz you got to spend more time together and to see each other even when work was hectic.

Looking back, things have changed a lot as how I started but definitely, I have learned a lot in my line of work, I have gained the respect and trust that I need at work and I also learned some in another aspect of my life. I just hope that things get better and eventually these new businesses will prosper. People may come and go but there are some who will never be forgotten and who will leave a mark in our lives. Oh, one thing similar about my current situation and two years ago is that I'm mending a broken heart... and just like the last time, it will eventually heal at the right time. :)

Another Night that I Chose to Write Instead of Sleep

I didn't really think I'm that lazy when it comes to cleaning my personal e-mail inbox/outbox but it serves its purpose. I looked back at the letters that I sent to my friends and special people, and I realized that I'm in so much better position now than I was two years ago. I also read a letter that I guess when I was writing really hurt so much but now, it doesn't feel anything at all. I guess time heals all wounds and it's not always going to be a not so good situation. There's always sunshine after the rain. Just like the weather, there's winter, spring, summer or fall and you have to wear the right clothes for each season to feel better and comfortable.

No matter how tough my situation is, I'll get by. No matter how it hurts at times , at least I will have no regrets coz I always try to give my best in love. I know myself and I guess I was able to love a person much coz I had so much love inside of me to give. All I have to do now is focus on myself and love me.

One shouldn't under estimate the capability of the heart. It knows when to love, when to give up, when to heal and when to start anew.

Definitely Not an Artist

Artists express their moods through their work of art and sometimes they can even create a masterpiece when they are sad or even mad. I'm definitely not an artist so this is what happened when I tried to play with brushes, paints and shirt. It's my abstract, hahaha. I kinda felt better after doing this.

My interpretation: A kinda messed up colourful life. The good thing is I've still got the colours.

I Heart Me

I think I got my smile back. This is me, fresh from washing my face. :) I'm beginning to love myself again...

Maybe I'm an Addict...

Alright, most people love to drink, smoke and party but I love CONVERSE. Maybe I'm an addict but shopping is a good therapy plus I got this pair for only $29.99 from $50.00. Shoot me guys! I'm bad.

Oh by the way, eating used to be my other addiction but not anymore. I'm back to being a size 2, yipee!!!

The Holiday

Wow, I don't know if it was just the right time but I actually enjoyed watching The Holiday. It made me laugh, smile and of course, it made me cry too (which was quite expected). I thought about seeing this in theater but I was not really a fan of anyone so I did not push for it. Oh well, I like all the main casts and even the other casts in the movie. Jude Law was such a charmer in this movie and the way he looked and stared would melt any woman's heart. Awww, I did not really like him before but I guess I do now. I was actually surprised too that I was fond of watching Jack Black and Kate Winslet (those two were the reason why I didn't see this in the theater actually) but they proved me wrong. Cameron Diaz, she never fails me in all her movies. It's so fun watching her on whatever role she portrays. I must say she's my fave actress now. I love the two kids, Sophia and Olivia. I also like the old man, Arthur.

I've got a lot of thinking, realization and imagination in between while watching this. I realized too that we will all be old in some point in our lives, we would all go back to being simple, and being appreciated and a smallest show of care mean a lot. I actually want to talk and be a friend to old people after watching this. There's a lot of wisdom to get from them and I think it will make me appreciate life more. Come to think of it, that was how I felt when I checked out YMCA two weeks ago and had a short talk with an old guy who has been working out there for over 35 years. I really want to explore my community and meet and befriend all sorts of people.


The movie just really covered the holiday season but there's a lot of lessons in life that you will realize. I love it. I recommed you guys to watch it. I figured I should go alone somewhere far this holiday and be a complete stranger there. It must be a nice adventure to get to know more of myself too than just being an adopted member to a friend's family.

Work, Work and Work

Work, work and work... that's what I do and still plan to do. Focus on my career and keep learning. :)

Coldstone

Wow, I'm craving for Coldstone but too bad, it's no longer open at this time. Maybe, that's even better coz I don't think ice cream is good for me at this time of the night.

Oh well, this is just another weird and funny thought... relating cold stone sizes to relationship. Maybe relationship has these 3 stages: Like it, Love it and Gotta Have it. I need not explain this coz I'm too tired to write but you guys should figure it out :) I will be someone's Gotta Have It at the right time!

Head to Head

Just like in texas hold'em poker, at head to head, I lost. My chips were much taller than my opponent's but I couldn't bluff and at the end, all the bad hands got me. The bet was kinda high. I wanted to take my fortune back but I could not manage having a straight face.

Up and Down

Sometimes I feel up already and other times, I feel down again. Work is not helping me these past few days. It's hard to move on with my tasks... I get emotional when my superior raises his voice.. and the AC being broken for more than a week now is killing me. So freaking hot and it's affecting my mood. I easily get irritated. Just when I thought I was making a good progress already, situations still put me down.

I don't know also what I want. I really need to regain my trust in myself. I'm wounded and I feel like I'm scared to get more wounds. I feel like I should just be happy being single. Talking to another man and him telling that 80% of the men are bad, dang, how would I know if I could still get a man from the 20% the next time I fall again. It's kinda tiring already. Maybe, relationship is not for me. There were a lot of good times but the feeling that you're not only losing the relationship but also a good friend is such a shitty one. Why does thing have to be complicated? Why can't I just be happy, stay happy, seize the day and not think of possible problems?

I'm sorry if my posts lately are mixtures of good and bad. I'm afraid it might be like this for a while until I get used to this state again. Again I'm just being human.

Lost Dog

I took a 40-minute brisk walking around my area. When I was going home, I saw the sign "Lost Dog." The type of dog, the color, the size and all important descriptions were on the sign. The first thing I thought of after reading that was if I get lost, would somebody look for me like that when nobody really owns me? Second thought that came to my mind was that how come when your dog gets lost, you can look, find and get him back but when your ex-boyfriend gets lost, you can't just find him and get him back? Funny thoughts but they are true.

My Meantime Goals

People think of goals in their lives and plan so far ahead but right now, my meantime goals are to be able to go home next year, be with family and friends that I miss so much and explore the Philippines, Thailand and maybe Hongkong again or Singapore. I hope I can reach these. These are all dependent on me getting my long much awaited green card.

Blog, Blog, Blog

Writing is a relief for me and blogging is even better. I looked back on my archives and I feel great. It was also at this time last year that I started this blog. Despite the challenges I experienced and are still experiencing, I can definitely say that I have learned a lot and enjoyed so much too. My entries are mixtures of all my different emotions and thoughts.

I think I am beginning to love myself more and as I've said before, I can only be hurt but never be broken. There's always time to shine, to laugh, to love, to learn, to cry, to mourn, to sob, to feel or just to be human. :) Afterall, this is the beauty of life!

Short Hair

I can't remember the last time I had short hair but I guess it's time for that now. Just in time for summer... just in time to face life's new challenges... or just because.

It Ain't Easy as You Guys Back Home Think

This one I want to dedicate to the Filipinos back home who think that living in the States and being financially well off is so easy. Look at this site http://www.prosper.com and see how people can get creative in lending and borrowing money.

I think most OFWs here are be able to send out money to the Philippines because they live with their relatives and not having to pay rent is really such a big help and what you save for doing that is a big money back home. Oh well, I like my independence. Even if I had a relative here, I would rather do things on my own. It may get lonely at times but I think it's so worth it.

One Fine Night

I think I'm getting better. I'm actually amazed on how mature I'm taking this tonight. I realized that I don't want to dwell on how sad this is but focus on the new beginning out there again.

He is still a nice guy and I don't ever want to remember us parting or him as something so sad and bad. So, we had a good dinner and talked about happy and exciting stuff. It was actually a good time. I know it sounds weird but it's true. Like I've said we never really had big fights and didn't really have complaints about each other so I don't think we should end it up hating each other like how couples normally do it. We both need to grow and explore the world since we both do not want to think of or are ready of our future together. After all, everything is just a matter of getting used to and knowing more not only about yourself but also what's around you.

I think I'm fine now. I actually understand what he's going through and I don't want to be the selfish person who only thinks of the hurt, what I think I want or will make me happy right now. People might think my views right now are weird but I like them. :)

I should focus more on regaining my confidence back, knowing and loving myself.

Another Day

I’m still feeling lost. Questions keep running around in circles. I want to assess what is happening to my life and yet, I can’t comprehend it right now. My emotions are ruling me. I can not help not to feel hurt, unworthy and unloved.

I know in times like this, I should try to love myself more. Acknowledge my mistakes but realize the lessons I have learned and be prepared to whatever future is awaiting for me.

It’s hard to let go of someone you love. I’ve been there and done that but when you fall again, the hurts of past loves keep coming back in addition to the recent love that you have to let go. I wonder what is wrong with me. I wonder why it doesn’t work out for me. I envy the people around me who are blessed with so much love, contentment and happiness in life.

I know if I could stop the time, I would feel better. Most of my age have a family or starting a family but here I am, back to square one and nearing the big 30. It hurts and it sucks but this is the reality.

I’ve said to myself already after my very first break up that the next time I enter a relationship, I should consider the risk of losing it and getting hurt again and not think about the rest of our lives together. Oh well, thinking about it and actually experiencing it are really different. I’m human and I have emotions. I value the person so much too and I made him enter my life so I guess, it is really going to hurt.

Friends and family may be there to help me get through this but everything else is dependent on me. I should just treasure the good times and move on with my life. Find my happiness to what I have right now and strive to get the things that I want to have in the future. It’s not easy but I know I’ll get there.

YOU CAN DO IT NATHALIE. YOU WERE ABLE TO GET THROUGH THIS BEFORE SO WHAT IS THE DIFFERENCE NOW. YOU WIN SOME AND YOU LOSE SOME AND THERE’S ALWAYS HOPE TO WIN AGAIN. IN DUE TIME, SOMEONE WILL COME AGAIN, WHO WILL APPRECIATE YOU FOR WHO YOU REALLY ARE AND WILL STAY FOR GOOD.

Converse I Love

One thing that I greatly appreciate in the States is that I can go to work with jeans and sneakers any day of the week. I love shoes... I love sneakers... and I love CONVERSE the most. I know I don't need a lot of those but I can't help myself at times especially when I see great deals.

Oh Life

Life gets complicated as you get older. When you were a kid, everything seemed to be so simple and easy but as you grow up, you learn that it takes a lot of courage and work to achieve something. You learn that life is not fair. You wonder why you can not have the one thing you ever dream of. You realize that you can only do so much and the outcome is not all dependent on you. You get scared of the future and all negative possibilities. You think that accepting failures is a weakness. You also realize that the only person you can fully trust is yourself.

Love this pic :P

Nice place, nice guy and nice monkey.

Life Thoughts

I am not sure whether to post this here or not but I guess, since I am here in front of my laptop thinking and writing then I might as well keep going. I hated anything that had to do with writing in highschool and I still do not think that I am good at this but somehow, this helps me feel better. This is my method of talking and knowing more of myself too.

Anyway, I wrote this last week after hearing that my good friend broke up with her boyfriend. Here it goes and it is saved as "thoughts 030607" in my docs. BEWARE, this might bore you. :)


I’ve been hurt so many times in my life and once in a while, they still haunt me either in my dreams or just when I’m having my reality check. It’s really lonely being away from my family and the friends that I gained back home. From time to time, I still feel the emptiness and I wonder about the moments and important events that I miss out simply by staying here. I guess I was not really prepared for the life here especially when I came here not primarily for myself but for someone else.

Things are still tough but I am surviving and I am actually doing fine. However, it is not easy to trust people especially if the ones you thought you trusted the most betrayed you. Empty promises, strong words that did not mean anything at all and life’s uncertainties are clearly stored in my mind. I am not sure if there would still be a time that these could be replaced by faith and belief that important things could last for a lifetime.

Most of the people around me and the friends dearest to me are either engaged, married or starting a family. I am happy for them but sometimes, I wonder if I am still the marrying type or if there was a point in my life that I really became one. The men that I was with cheated on me or either left me when I was in the lowest point of my life. I guess that is the reason why I can not help myself for feeling this way now. During those times that I was with any one of them, they would tell me how much they loved me and wanted to marry me but again, those were just words.

Right now, I am with a special someone. He is not like the typical guy that I was with. He is not into words but I can see through his actions that he cares although he tends to deny having emotions or just merely hiding them because he is a man. I know he is not ready for marriage. I am not even sure if we would go there. I am not sure if I am ready for that too but somehow, I am envious with the people who are married or who are engaged and feel that they are so special. I know if I was still in my early 20s, I would not feel this way. Sometimes, I feel that it is so unfair that women have to think of their biological clock. How I wish I could stay young for the rest of my life. If you think about it, what really is marriage? With the rate of divorce now especially here in the States, is that still important? How sure are you that it will work out when you get married? Are married people always happy? When do you actually know if you are ready for that? When do you know if you want to spend the rest of your life with this person? Do you stay in the relationship or even go to the next step coz you are scared to lose the person? Or just scared to grow old alone? Or scared that you might not find another person? Or scared to start all over again coz you are not getting any younger? Does a person’s view of marriage change over time? Or does it change with another person? Or does it change with a different situation? When is really the best time? Can someone actually change a person’s view? And if someone can, then how does he do that? Gosh, I can go on and on with my questions and I will still have no answers.

Honestly, I am quite satisfied and happy with what I have right now. He might not say the right words but he surely makes me happy and special in his own way. It is not the typical relationship that you see in movies, read in books or hear from friends but it is quite a simple and easy one. I have learned not to expect so much in life already and I know that things can go wrong and that I can only hope for the best. I try to look at the good side, be the best partner that I can ever be, cherish the moments and seize the day. I feel like when you think of the future so much then, you see the “what ifs” and the possible problems. You tend to look at things as problems even if they do not exist at all. You anticipate so much or expect so much that makes you or he fall short. Life is complicated itself so why not at least try to make it simpler. After all, whenever you stumble, you stand up and regain your strength again.

The great things I learned in life are to know, trust and love myself. I feel that I can only give more to others by doing these. No one can ever complete me coz I should be complete all the time so in case somebody leaves me again, I will only feel hurt but never be broken.

Pinkberry Night

Alright, I went to Pinkberry again tonight but this time with Matt. We walked from my apartment going there. There was quite a line but omg, 5mins after we ordered, the line was until the outside of the store. Amazing! I'm pretty sure that the Korean woman who founded this is so rich now. If you think about it, it is not really hard to make. It tastes like yogurt but a little sweeter in a soft ice cream texture and bite. It kinda tastes like sherbet too but the mixtures of fruits, sweet toppings like mochi and ice creamy feeling make it perfect!

Gosh, if only I could think of something great that's a sure buy then I would be rich too.

The name is so natsy too....

Pinkberry

I love Pinkberry. I saw a postcard in my mailbox last Monday night and came Tuesday, I was there with my coworkers. That was the first time I had it. I also went there last Friday with my coworkers again.

Gosh, a new dessert to die for and it is walking distance from my apartment. I'm not sure if that's good or bad, you decide? hahaha. Dang, they said the yogurt is 25 calories but what about the three toppings that I normally get. Hmmmm.... whatever as long as it makes me happy. :)

When "C" = "S" = "M"

Is there a right time for settling down? Is there a right age? When do you know when to settle down? When do you know if he/she is the right one for you? When are you ready for this? Is there really a right one for you? Why do men have the control on this matter? Why do women have to worry about biological clock? Why most good women marry the last? Why for some people this happen so fast? What is the risk of settling down so fast? Why for some, it does not happen at all? Is it a choice? Is it a must? If a guy is not ready to settle down, does that mean he does not really love you? If he is not ready to settle down yet, do you hold on or do you leave the relationship? Why men think settling down and having kids are the end of their lives? And why women think that life is not complete without settling down and having kids? Does marriage still guarantee a life time commitment in most people? How do you make it work? Why do your views about settling down change? How come your views about marrige were so different and simpler when you were younger? Why men are scared of this? Why men think of this a big responsibility? Why do men use this as an excuse to make women fall for them? Why do men use the same excuse but in a different perspective to break a relationship? Are women stronger than men since they are not afraid to enter another stage of their lives? Is there really a marrying type? Is this something that you should look forward in a relationship? Is this the ultimate happiness for women? Why is this a bigger thing for women than for men?

Bangs

For the last six months, I had been wanting to have bangs but whenever I had a haircut, I ended up just having my regular layer cut.

I am not really adventurous when it comes to my hair and I feel like if I made a mistake, I would not be good managing it coz I am lazy and do not spend a lot of time fixing myself. The last time I had bangs or I should say stopped having bangs was 2nd year higschool and of course, I don't think it looked good at that time.

Oh well, today, I had the courage to put bangs or maybe the closest to having bangs, hahahaha. I thought I needed a change but... it was still a small one only.

Nintendo Wii

Gosh, why is this Nintendo Wii sold out? I have been looking for it, surfing the net and calling different stores of Bestbuy, EBGames, Circuit City and Target daily but I still don't get any luck.


This is supposed to be my birthday present for Milkboy, huhuhu. I hope equilibrium sets in sooner or else, he will get a Bestbuy giftcard on his bday while we wait for the return of the Wii. I know he wouldn't want me to spend more and buy it in Ebay. Besides, he just got his XBOX 360 last week (I wish he could have waited for that on his bday) so he is still spending a lot of his time and even sacrificing sleep time playing that.

Haaaay, when will I say WEEEEE for Wii? I hope it's before the 24th of the month.

So Pretty Elisha

I opened my e-mail as soon as I got up from bed and finally Kuya Rico shared with me their holiday pics.

Gosh, she's so adorable! I think this is the fifth time today that I looked at the album. I hope I can see her, hold her and just be with her while she is little. I am so longing for that moment since when I left the Philippines, I did not even know that she was already in Ate Jud's womb.

My cousins said she's my "mini me" but I think they're wrong coz I don't think I was as cute as her when I was this age. Oh well, how will I know when I think I only have three baby pictures to validate that, hehehe. One thing's for sure, she will be a beautiful lady!

Come visit me Elisha and we will got to Disneyland. I will buy whatever toys you choose too but in one condition, you have to do that with me. Hahahaha... as if she could even read and understand this.

2006 is worth remembering...

Halloween Party in Pasadena and LA. Rented a limo too.


Santa Barbara


















San Francisco


Mixed events with friends... Birthdays, Going away dinner, Poker night and just hanging out.

Biggest Dessert ever at Guppy!

Mixed events again... New York with Kuya Joma, Flow Party, Birthday Party, Firing, Despedida, and Whites and Browns Night.

Laguna Beach

Started the year in Vegas.

Birthday 06

It's better late posting this than never.

Matt and Kelly organized a birthday dinner for me last December 22 at Buca di Beppo at Santa Monica. Although Matt and I got into a car accident going there, it was still a great party.

Co-workers and some good friends came despite the busy Christmas season. I got drunk of course with one glass of wine and a shot of something else (too drunk to remember that, hehehe). I got a little crazy and funny. Good thing I was not driving at that time.

Thanks guys!

Happy Birthday to me and my car. My car got some action there but it is a strong baby! :)