MY JOURNEY IN A PLACE THAT SOMEDAY I CAN CALL HOME

Scratches... Twice in a Row

Last Friday, I found out that my car got hit and it left scratches on my bumper. They were not really big but the paint was peeled off. Those were my first after six months of having my car. I felt terrible and I did not even know who did it. After a carwash last Sunday, my car looked better and only the part that was peeled off was noticeable.
This morning, I was in a hurry to go to work since clients would be in the office and we were told to come in early. As I was backing, my phone rang. It was a coworker so I figured I should answer and it must be important. Damn, as I was talking to her, it took me three attempts before I could finally back clearly from my apartment's crowded parking space. I finished talking to her but for some reason, I wasn't really paying attention to my driving. As I turned right to go outside, I heard a bang. Damn, I hit my neighbor's car. I went down to check her car but it was such an old one, I couldn't even tell if I really hit it. I guess, I hit it on the front's bumper but no one could really tell so I just went back to my car and drove to work. After parking my car, I checked my car and there they were, two kinda long lines at the side of the left passenger seat. Oh my, I was really sweating when I saw the scratches. They were worst than last week's. What a way to start my day? I felt terrible again but also stupid. Poor car and poor me. Hu hu hu hu ... maybe, I should just think that good thing those were just scratches. I hope there's no more third one. As they always say, shit happens! Oh well, it's just a car so I should stop whining.

I don't know but it sucks

All by myself, that's what I feel this week. I go home at night in a place that I'm not sure if I can consider home, wondering what am I doing in a state so far away. I can even count using my fingers the number of people that I can consider my friends here. I'm homesick... I miss my family and friends. I want to go out most of the time but I feel like I don't have that many friends to be with.
Am I having a bad week or not? I can't even tell. How can I make a good judgment on this kind of stuff when I don't even know what I want. I don't even know what I am doing here and I don't know where this journey here will take me. I thought when I was younger, I knew what I wanted but I was wrong. Maybe, it's not really that I don't know what I want but it seems like it's freaking hard to get it.
This is such a shitty feeling. I can't even trust my emotions and whatever I am feeling right now since I can't think straight. I am sorry, I think I'm looking for something that I don't have and that I'm doubting I will ever have. It sucks being so far away and alone sometimes. I have this facade that looks so strong but deep inside me, I am hurting. I want to be simple but it seems so complicated. I don't want to call this a quarter life crisis coz I don't want to live that long nor I can't call this a mid life crisis coz I'm not that old yet. Maybe, it's a one third life crisis if there's such a thing... well whatever this is, it's such a shitty stage. I need to help myself get out of this.

Doubtful but Wishful Thinking

It seems like this is the marriage season for most people I know. My bestfriend got married last May and too bad I couldn't even make it coz it was too far, Philippines. One of the first good friends that I had in my first work got married last April and good thing that I was able to attend it. One of my groupie in the bank got married this year too and I have two friends who just got engaged and will marry next year. My best guy friend is also planning to get married next year. Oh and just today, I heard that the first guy I dated here in the States is soon getting married and there's an engagement party this June. I'm so over that guy but somehow it still makes me wonder like how some people can change others, especially their views. I just thought that when we separated ways, he was so far away in going to that direction and besides, they really didn't start in a serious one and they just recently admitted that they are actually together. Oh well, it's not really about them but it's just this question, "When will you really know that this person is the one?"
I guess, my idea about love and marriage is just jaded right now. I've been burned several times and I see divorce and break ups to even the closest people that I have. My parents' marriage was not succesful either. It happened in my teen years and it really had a great effect on me. My first relationship was for 4 1/2 years and it was so close to marriage but it still didn't happen. The second and third boyfriends that I had were talking about this thing even in the earliest stage and both relationships did not even last for a year. For me, those words were just BS, they said those things just to make me fall for them and be the best girlfriend that I could ever be. The worst part of the situation is after hurting you and so, most of them would come to you to tell you how stupid they were for leaving you and not fighting for their love which is another BS. I know these situations made me stronger and after being burned so many times and having challenges in other aspects of my life, I can endure any pains now and the tears will go away. The sad part about that is that I am now careful and I hold back to what I am feeling. I don't want to have so much emotional attachment with someone to avoid being hurt. My views about commitment is different now too and I feel like it can start a problem and it can be a responsibility. My feelings are not as hard as a stone and I like someone too right now but I'm not sure if this can lead to something serious. I hope about that too but somehow, I'm scared. I have a lot of what ifs and maybes. I do not even know what love is. I feel like in the country that I grew up, it's so easy to say I love you to someone but I also wonder if the people there know what it truly means. I even had doubts if I loved the last two guys that I cried for and made sacrifices for. Oh well, maybe, in time, I will have a clearer view of things. I think every one of us wants to settle and be with that someone we love and it is just a matter of time. I hope that there will come a time that I will not doubt and all these confusions I have about loving will vanish and will make me fall again. Honestly, I admire these people who are getting married or who got married and somehow I wish I can just be one of these people who have found happiness in this aspect of their lives.

Maybe

I don't know what this is? I don't have the courage to ask yet. I've never been in this kind of situation but oftentimes, it feels great. Maybe, I'm still scared... maybe, I've been burned so many times and I don't want that to happen again... maybe, I'm still not ready to deal with my emotions... maybe, I don't want it to become a responsibility just like what happened to the previous ones... maybe, I may not like the possible outcome if I say something... maybe, I'm not sure of what I really want... and maybe, I am waiting for the time that we will both be sure. All I know right now is I'm happy whatever this is! I hope it stays being a pleasant situation. I hope all my maybes will have definite answers at the right time.